SLC, United States 30 years-old
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML
Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML
Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML
Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML
Today, I fell asleep in my math class. Turns out I sleep walk. I woke up at the front of the room with chalk in my hand, scribbles on the board behind me, and the whole class laughing at me. FML
Today, my boss walked down to my office with me to get some paperwork after a very tense, important meeting. He patiently waited while I tried to unlock my office door with my remote for my car. Twice. FML
Today, I went to the airport with my mom, who requested a wheelchair for me, since I have a broken leg. I'm 24. Embarrassed, I insisted I push myself around, instead of an airline assistant doing it. A few seconds later, I crash into the same airline assistant, who then falls back into my lap. FML
Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year-old woman. FML
Today, after waiting all day to get into my favorite band's concert, I got front row. At the end, one of them grabbed my CD and got the whole band to sign it. The last band member tossed it into the crowd, nowhere near me. FML
Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML
Today, I finally got everything in order to ask out the girl of my dreams. I bought her a gold necklace, engraved with our names, and with the date on the back. Everything was going great until she got sick and had to go home. Now I'm stuck with this necklace with the wrong date. FML
Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws, who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML
Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML
Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML
Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized it stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment, shivering. FML
Today, I spent all day handing out flyers advertising my services as a psychic. I got only one call. The caller wanted to inform me that I had misspelt the word "psychic" on my flyer. She was right. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML
Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML
Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML
Today, for once, I managed to get my boyfriend's mind off the hockey game. I muted the TV and cuddled up to him. Only thirty seconds into snuggling, he shoved me onto the floor and screamed, "GOAL!" FML
Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and me. It started with, "I love you", and ended with,"You and your brother were mistakes." FML
Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say, "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML
Today, at an aunt's wake, my five year-old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML
Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply? "I gotta work that day." FML
Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML
Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML
Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML
Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML
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