Today, I went to the DMV to get my license. I almost ran over my evaluator as he was walking to get in the car. FML
Today, my nine year-old stepson overheard me telling my husband that I was almost out of my favorite shampoo, and since it was discontinued, I couldn't buy any more. He got in the shower and happily emptied the bottles down the drain. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML
Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML
Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML
Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML
Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML
Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML
Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML
Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butthole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML
Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML
Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML
Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML
Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML
Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML
Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we're a pair of gay men. I'm a woman. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML
Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML
Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML
Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML
Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML
Today, I read some funny scribblings on a wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to "Like" it. FML
Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML
Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single, and jobless. FML
Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML
Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML
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