Miss 29 years-old In a relationship
Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML
Today, it's my soon to be 12 year-old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML
Today, I was helping first-graders do school work when one of them stabbed me in the face with a pencil, all because I told her that a three was backwards. FML
Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML
Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML
Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML
Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML
Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML
Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML
Today, I dropped my 400 dollar iphone, that's been through toilets and 6 foot falls, on a walmart floor and shattered the screen. I managed, however, to catch the 2 dollar macaroni and cheese before it hit the ground. FML
Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaimed, "That was amazing Drew." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name, which doesn't sound anything like Drew. FML
Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML
Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says, "You're a bitch." He's 6. After I asked him where he heard that word, he responded with, "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML
Today, my daughter ran up to a librarian working in the kids section and screamed "MOMMY!" and hugged her. She looked at her and said "I'm not your mommy." My daughters reply: "I know. But you're better than mommy" FML
Today, I got my hair dyed at a fancy salon. While the stylist was pulling out the foils in my hair I sat up and started screaming in pain because the hot foils were burning my scalp. All she said was "oh, you're fine". I went back home to find an oozing burn wound on my scalp. FML
Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend, in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted, "My girlfriend is so stupid, she can't even text the right number." FML
Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said, "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML
Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML
Today, my friends and I were walking past a bar. There were a few cute guys "rating" every girl that walked by with number cards. My friend, who is a guy, got an 8. I got a 2. FML
Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML
Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML
Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I slept together. In the middle of the night, he saw my phone receiving a text from someone saying, "Hey baby, I missed you so much! I'm going to be visiting in a couple of days, hope to see you again, I love you!" He got mad and left my house. It was my dad in Ohio. FML
Today, I texted my girlfriend and told her I was mowing my lawn. She responded, "It's about time, it keeps getting caught in my teeth!" I was referring to the lawn outside of my house. FML
Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML
Today, I noticed my dishwasher wouldn't turn on. After shelling out $120 call-out fee, I was a little miffed when the technician walked in, pressed the 'unlock' function and walked out again. FML
Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year-oldish daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "The talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML
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