Mr In a relationship
Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML
Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend. He's the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. FML
Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his roommate. It's been 45 minutes and it's still going. FML
Today, after going on a blind date with a man I'd met on Facebook, we went back to his apartment. All was going good, until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML
Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML
Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML
Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML
Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML
Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML
Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML
Today, I shaved my legs. I received endless compliments about how great they looked, and how jealous all the girls were. I'm a guy who shaved them for a themed party, for which I dressed up as a girl. FML
Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML
Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML
Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML
Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker, "Turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you." I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML
Today, I went to a concert. They had this feature where you could send a picture of something from your cell phone and they'd put it on the big screens, so I sent a picture of myself in. When the picture came up on the screens, the entire crowd of about 4,000 people went, "Ewwww!" FML
Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screamed, "Stop winking at me, don't even think about it you ugly fuck!" FML
Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming, "Sexy!" The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML
Today, I went out to eat at a restaurant. When the waitress saw me, she continously told me how beautiful and kind I was. Flattered, I just said thank you. Five minutes later, one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen in my life walked in. The waitress told her the same exact things she told me. FML
Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year-old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML
Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML
Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML
Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML
Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML
Today, I was at the pool with two boys I babysit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML
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