lucia1313

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

Today, I took a picture of myself seductively eating an apple. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. FML

Today, I tried jumping off my bed over the footboard. I tripped and broke a full length mirror with my face. FML

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

Today, I was in the theatre watching a movie. I leaned my head back to relax. Suddenly, I hear this sneeze behind me and then I feel "rain" pouring down on my face. FML

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

The strangeness of strangers

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

Detained

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying, "Only these guns!" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. Neither will the cops down at the station. FML

Today, I spent five dollars on a virtual cat. FML

Thin skinned

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

Gunked up

Today, I cleaned my computer screen for the first time in ages. When I turned it on a few hours later, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out why the brightness was suddenly so painfully high. FML

Stealthy

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

The Omen

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

Snaggled

Today, I bought some beef jerky. As I put the first piece in my mouth, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is tough enough to break a tooth." It was. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wear makeup much. Expecting him to say something about my natural beauty, I replied with an honest, "No." His smiled softly, gently squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should." FML