mermaidlover16

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

Home improvement

Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML

Give it away

Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML

**** off

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

Yes problem

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

Gullible

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

Can't be late!

Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML

Today, I have to follow through with the bet I lost over the Super Bowl game. I don't have a problem running a lap nude around my block, but the cops in the police station right across from my house probably will. FML

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

Nasty

Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

FOCUS!

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

Today, I gave an old owl lamp away because I had no need for it. The new owner informed me shortly after that it was worth $400. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over to cheer me up after I'd had a sleepless night. He thought it would be a good time to propose. Unfortunately, it coincided with me yawning. FML

Today, I got into a fist-fight with a wasp, aka a Nazi helicopter. Despite swiping at it with ninja-like skills, I lost. FML

Today, I had to call AAA for the fifth time in two months. When the driver got out, I instantly recognized him. It was the same guy who helped me out all the previous occasions. When he saw me, he snorted and doubled over laughing. FML

Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML