Today, I checked my Facebook to find I had been tagged in a bunch of photos from a party I had attended last night. On each picture I had a comment from my mom saying, "You're grounded." FML
Today, my grandparents were staying over my house for a couple of nights. As I was walking to my bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed their door was open, and my grandfather was awake. I tried to say 'Hi' to him, but he didn't hear me. I then noticed that he was masturbating. FML
Today, I was about to go and take a shower when I saw a pair of scissors taped to the door at eye level with a note from my boyfriend saying "Time to trim that hairy thang down under." FML
Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML
Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees when some of his mates turned up in the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML
Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me to stuff my bra before going to a party with him and his friends because he didn't want to be embarrassed. FML
Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML
Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML
Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, I was using a public toilet when someone entered the stall next to mine. Instead of using the facilities, the person in there reached under the stall to steal my bag. Fortunately, I was holding the strap so they couldn't take it. Unfortunately, they decided to take my right shoe instead. FML
Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML
Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs my clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewarded with a queef. He found it hilarious and tested it out 5 more times. FML
Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML
Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML
Today, my future father-in-law showed everyone a picture of his poop because it was "shaped like a banana." My fiancé's whole family thought it was funny and "looked more like a banana than last time." FML
Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML
Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML
Today, my grandpa pointed me out to one of his friends, saying, "Yeah, she's the ugly one." FML
Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML
Today, I asked out a guy at work that I really like. He just stared at me and said, "Honestly? I'd rather smash my balls with a mallet. No offense." FML
Today, out of partying reflex, I downed Communion wine like a vodka shot. FML
Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML
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