Robstown,TX, USA
Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML
Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML
Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML
Today, I got a text from a girl that I've had a crush on for a long time, asking me out to dinner. I agreed and went to the restaurant. Not long afterwards, I got text from her saying something had come up, so she couldn't make it. As I was walking back to my car, I saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy. FML
Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML
Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a Band-Aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML
Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML
Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom's flooded. FML
Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML
Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML
Today, I was in class when someone came in with a rose for me. My teacher made me read the card aloud: "I'm breaking up with you, happy Valentine's." It was from my boyfriend. FML
Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML
Today, I woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed. The very friend I've had a crush on for months, and who knows exactly how I feel about him. Everything was great until he said, "Yeah, about last night… It's just that you were there, and I was weak. See ya." FML
Today, someone at work put their used, bloodied tampon applicator back in its wrapper, and into the free tampon bin for some sucker to grab. That sucker was me. FML
Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML
Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML
Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML
Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML
Today, I was driving with my mother. The ride was 2 hours long. For the first hour, she talked about how uncomfortable sex is the first time. For the second, she talked about how I should take accordion lessons. FML
Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML
Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML
Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML
Today, I got a second notice from the mailman that my mail would not be delivered because of the pile of ice a plow had pushed in front of my mailbox. After getting the first notice, I'd spent an hour in the cold busting up the ice with a pick to clear a path. He put both notices in my mailbox. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML
Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML
Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML
Today, lice were found in my hair. At the hair salon. I'm now banned from that salon. FML
Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML
Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML
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