37 years-old
Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML
Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML
Today, I was helping my cousin plan her backyard wedding. I requested September 19-21 off for visiting and festivities. My asshole of a boss is refusing, because of some proposed Area 51 invasion. I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I’m afraid I might miss the wedding. FML
Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML
Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML
Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML
Today, my ex purposely taught our kids to call all the Star Wars characters by Star Trek names. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that she did it, or the fact that it makes me utterly insane when they say them. FML
Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML
Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML
Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML
Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML
Today, my father calculated that the only way we can afford to keep the house was if I get pregnant and claim child benefits. My family now won't speak to me because I refuse to do it. I'm 15 years old. FML
Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML
Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML
Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML
Today, I had a sexual dream about my ex, and I woke up after saying his name. My boyfriend was awake, and heard all the dirty talk and me moaning my ex-boyfriend's name. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML
Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML
Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML
Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML
Today, I wanted to be on top during sex, after always being on the bottom. Afterwards, he said, "You're never riding me like that again." FML
Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I broke the news to my parents that we're having a baby. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "It's probably not yours." FML
Today, I found out my "wonderful" boyfriend was recently dumped by another woman, not just after he started stalking her, but after he wrote her a love letter in his own blood. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML
Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML
Today, I realised just how lazy I am when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML
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