Miss 33 years-old Single
Today, I've not had any contact with my mother for years, and when tornadoes came through our hometown and wiped out most of our downtown area, she didn't contact me at all. I finally contacted her myself. Her reason for not contacting me? She had "watched the news" and "knew I was OK." FML
Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML
Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML
Today, I'm on a diet. I was compelled to start it when the only pet name my boyfriend could think of for me yesterday was, "My baby elephant." FML
Today, same-sex marriage is finally legal in my country. However, it's taken so long since I got engaged that our perfect wedding venue has gone out of business, and everywhere else is at least three times the price. FML
Today, an Air Force recruiter called me. I've been wanting to join the Air Force for 5 years now. After chatting on the phone with him for 10 minutes, I mentioned to him that I had asthma. He quickly told me I can't join any of the military branches, and to have a good day. FML
Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML
Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML
Today, it was my 14-year anniversary. I'd spent weeks picking out a new gold wedding band for my husband. What did he get me? Nothing. Not even a happy anniversary text. FML
Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML
Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML
Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML
Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with once before my current boyfriend. The guy told me he has chlamydia, and I should probably get tested. I had to call my boyfriend to explain what happened and tell him to get tested. I'm meeting his family this weekend at his sister's wedding. FML
Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML
Today, I went to take a shower. I noticed a funky smell, but I just assumed it was from whoever had been there last. When I pulled the shower curtain back, I found out that my sister has stopped using feminine hygiene products for her period. It looked like someone had died in the bathtub. FML
Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML
Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." My boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. Foreplay was amazing, but as soon as he started to get it in, he lost his erection because he was too nervous. He's a 30-year-old virgin and this has happened at least 10 times. FML
Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML
Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML
Today, after losing all my hair to chemo, I finally felt brave enough to go out without a wig or a headscarf. I expected some weird looks. I didn’t expect a woman in a store to point to me and tell her daughter, “See what feminism does to women? She’ll never have a husband, I bet!” FML
Today, I was texting the guy I like. I asked him why our friend didn't want to come to the movies with us. He replied, "She didn't want to be the third wheel, but it's not like I'm going to put the moves on you. I'm out of your league, and you're socially awkward anyway." That's just what I wanted. FML
Today, I yelled at my oldest son for picking his little brother up by the throat. Only to then be yelled at my my mother-in-law for hurting his feelings. FML
Today, I found out via Facebook that my older sister just had another baby, a whole week ago, whose name is my middle name. No one told me. I didn't even know she was pregnant. FML
Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML
Today, my vegan sister told my kids where meat and dairy products come from, in a very detailed way. They now refuse to eat meat, and want to, "rescue all the poor animals." FML
Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML
Today, I was backpacking, and I was in a tent. It had rained all day and finally, I was dry. I settled down in my slightly damp sleeping bag. I woke up halfway through the night with a frog on my face and my feet in freezing cold water. Our tent had drifted into a frog pond. FML
Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML
Today, two out of our three smoke detectors were going off. My grandpa won't call the fire department because he thinks our house will be condemned. The alarms are still going off. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
