Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML
Today, inspired by my own relationship, I encouraged my best friend to go after the guy she likes. She did, and I'm now single. FML
Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML
Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML
Today, I had to pick my 22-year-old son up from the hospital, after he got blind drunk, got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and got the bright idea of staggering to the local ER to get it cut off. FML
Today, my ex, who I'm still in love with, emailed me. I thought she changed her mind about us, so I poured my heart out to her. She just wanted to let me know she has chlamydia, and advise me to go to the clinic. FML
Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML
Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML
Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML
Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML
Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML
Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML
Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML
Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML
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