Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML
Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML
Today, my parents met my boyfriend's parents for the first time… while they were bailing us out of jail. FML
Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML
Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML
Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in three days. FML
Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML
Today, my girlfriend was driving me to her house against my will when I said, "Sometimes it's annoying that you always decide where we go because you drive." She replied, "Yeah, I wish I could be more of the girl in this relationship." FML
Today, I was working out at the gym doing squats. There was a girl there that I wanted to impress so I loaded up the bar with a lot of weight and began to do my squat. As I was going down I farted so loud that I began to laugh and fell backwards. Everyone in the room just stared at me. FML
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
Today, I left the iron and ironing board in my room. While I was at school, my mom decided to do some ironing, and did it in my room for convenience. The iron needed water, so she took a water bottle from my dresser and poured it in. It was my secret vodka stash, and the iron caught on fire. FML
Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said, "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML
Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML
Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML
Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML
Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML
Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML
Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML
Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML
Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML
Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML
Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML
Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML
Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML
Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML
Today, I was at the doctor's office and the doctor asked me, "Have you been having any intimate relations?" and the first thing that I blurted out was, "You mean with other people?" FML
Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it up, my $80 dollar pants ripped. FML
Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML
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