Halz7

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend. When the bill came with a customer satisfaction survey, I put honestly that the "server friendliness" was "below average." Ten minutes later, I had to return to the restaurant to beg the waitress for my keys, which I had left on the table. FML

The talk

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year-oldish daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "The talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

Today, I was trying to look cute in front of this really nice guy. I sure hope he thinks smacking into a pole, rebounding backwards and knocking over an old man is cute. FML

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML

Living my best life

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

Change

Today, I was at work, when this guy came in and paid for his ice cream, then handed me a dollar. I've never gotten a tip before, so I looked at him and said, "Thank you so much, I appreciate it." He stared at me with a weird look for a moment, and then said, "Can I just get that in quarters?" FML

Cute

Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend was kind enough to give me prescription strength deodorant. FML

Cuteness overload

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see clearly for two hours. FML

Manoeuvres in the dark

Today, I had to perform with my orchestra at an event. I hadn't eaten at all because I had to get my blood sugar tested. During the middle of a song, I passed out. No one helped me and no one stopped playing, "because the song wasn't over and they didn't want to ruin the performance." FML

News to me

Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to, "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

Today, I discovered that my best friend of 3 years has me in her phone as "Stupid Bitch". FML

Ninjas are everywhere

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone had cut off half of my ponytail. FML

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

Today, my boyfriend hacked my facebook account and set my status to say that I was in love with my boss. Seeing the post, my boss called me into his office, and told me he loved me too... FML

BREAKING NEWS

Today, I found out my mother had remarried, and that I was getting a stepfather and stepbrother. However, I found out about it 30 minutes before we left to pick them up from the airport, and also found out that I'm losing my bedroom. FML

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML

Class of 2010

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

Today, I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 with my boyfriend. In hopes of him putting his arm around me or holding my hand, I told him that I was very scared and pretended to cry a little. He told me to be quiet because I was ruining the movie for him. Then he moved seats. FML