Miss Toronto, Canada 29 years-old In a relationship
Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML
Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML
Today, my date threw a fit, burst into tears, and made a huge scene in the middle of a crowded restaurant, all because I offered to pay. FML
Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML
Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML
Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML
Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML
Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML
Today, I started at my new waitressing job. Our uniforms have the name of the restaurant on the left chest pocket. My first customer asked me what the other boob was called. FML
Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street. As I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers, or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML
Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML
Today, my family took me to a steak house. I went for an eight minute bathroom break, coming back to an empty table. They ordered dessert, and left me the bill. I'm a vegetarian, and it's my birthday. FML
Today, I had to sit through chemistry class watching the kid in front of me slowly peel off the scabs on his arms, examine them, and then eat them. For an hour. FML
Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML
Today, my wife is totally convinced that she was abducted by aliens last night, all because she fell out of bed. FML
Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML
Today, I was set up on a blind date. When I arrived, the person waiting for me was a woman. It appears that my friends have always thought I was a lesbian, and that they 'played along' when I talked about guys. FML
Today, I had to jump into my car while it was still moving. Apparently, just because you put it in park and turn it off, doesn't mean it won't take off towards a ditch without warning. FML
Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML
Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his roommate finding out I'd spent the night. FML
Today, my creepy, stalker ex-girlfriend was given an anonymous love letter. She's convinced it's from me. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML
Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML
Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML
Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phones at the table rule" and took my phone away until I could learn "proper table manners." FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML
Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML
Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML
Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML
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