nearl

Moral panic #2766

Today, my sister shared a post on Facebook which talked about how "gays" are destroying the "sanctity of marriage." I couldn't help but point out that she's been married 3 times in the last 7 years, while I've been happily married to my wife for nearly 9. She deleted my comment then blocked me. FML

Accidental homophobia

Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML

Slight hiccup

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggested she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill herself because of her severe medical condition." FML

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

Die-hard supporter

Today, on a movie date with my boyfriend, it took me a while to understand why he was leaning on his elbow during the entire thing. He had an earpiece cupped in his hand and was listening to a soccer match. FML

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

Today, I had a date with a guy. We ran into our gay friend at the theater, who insisted on coming along. My date was pissed, but I couldn't turn our friend away. Afterwards, my date texted our friend, mad because he crashed the date. Turns out he isn't gay. And only crashed it because he likes me. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a selfie where I used the Snapchat face-swap to put my best friend's face on mine. My boyfriend didn't notice and texted back, "Wow, so beautiful!" FML

Gotcha!

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML

Today, I learned that my friends nicknamed me Snow White, not because I’ve got dark hair and very pale skin, but because I “only hook up with tiny dudes”. FML

Today, the guy I broke up with for being too possessive and jealous threatened to leak my nudes if he sees or hears that I've gotten with anyone else. FML

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

Today, my former boss is threatening to keep my last paycheck until I return a skateboard that a guest forgot at the hotel about a month ago. She was the one who gave me the order to put it in the trash. FML

Today, I received an "I miss you" text from my ex of 4 months, who I still love dearly and would give anything to get back together with. Yesterday, I slept with his best friend, convinced I'd never hear from my ex again. FML

Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML

Why would you say that?

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

Flight from hell

Today, while flying home, two little girls started chanting, "We're all going to die." I'm an extremely anxious flyer. FML

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

For those who work in customer service, we salute you

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid ran up to me and threw up. It was a 10-hour shift, and I was one hour in. FML

Oh no…

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding coming from upstairs. FML

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

Higher education

Today, after attending lectures for months, studying for weeks, and spending hours writing a 15-page research paper, I was informed that due to technological issues during registration, I was not enrolled in the class. FML

Denial

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

Awkward

Today, my boyfriend stood me up. At dinner with his parents. FML

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

Today, I was babysitting two brothers, 3 and 5. As I was getting the youngest ready to go outside, the older boy, threw open the door, shucked his clothing, and ran off into the woods. I had to carry the 3-year-old as I ran my asthmatic ass after him. FML