Today, a man tried to mug me. I actually apologized to him for not having my wallet on me. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Better before than after
Today, my girlfriend confessed that she'd leave me for her ex in a heartbeat. Tomorrow is, or should I say "was", our wedding day. FML
Today, I heard what sounded like water against my window, and I couldn't believe it was raining in Southern California at this time of the year. I then turned to the window to see a hobo peeing on my window. FML
Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML
Today, I was attacked by a duck. I thought I was higher on the food chain than that. FML
MoxleyCrue tells us more.
MoxleyCrue 17
OP here. I was eating in its general proximity. That's what I was doing. Eating things it wanted.
Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML
Today, I saw my grandma had registered on Facebook, so I wrote a welcome post on her wall. She replied "Delete." several times, then called me, accusing me of "hacking" her and demanding that I remove my name from her page at once. FML
Honky
Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML
Today, while going down on my boyfriend, I must have gotten a little too enthusiastic because I ripped my tongue's frenulum. We then awkwardly went into the bathroom. While he was washing the blood off his penis, I was hung over the toilet bowl puking because blood makes me woozy. FML
cookies1616 tells us more.
(Heyyy, girl who made the post here! Had to make an account to reply). No, neither of us have piercings and neither of us know why it happened. While my boyfriend was searching on the internet for what exactly we should do, he found some guy who said he ripped his while eating a pear. I'd like to think I'm less of an idiot than that guy.
Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML
Appropriate appropriation
Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML
Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML
Today, I learnt the meaning of the phrase "ménage à trois". I had always thought it was synonymous with "fiasco" and have used it several times in essays. FML
johobus28 tells us more.
johobus28 26
As embarrassing as it was to learn the actual meaning, I have to agree with you guys. I probably should have looked up the actual meaning before using it. I can usually deduct the meaning of a word pretty well without googling it, but that evidently was not the case here. Fortunately, I never used it on major, college-acceptance essays or anything. Only minor high school assignments. I'll be sure to google a word before I use it next time! Thanks for my first FML guys
Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML
Today, my pyromaniac sister somehow got her hands on my dad's lighter and set my bed sheets on fire. My dad said I must have provoked her, and that she can't be blamed for her mental condition. So now I'm grounded, and she has a new doll house to calm her down. FML
It's business time
Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML
Today, I accidentally hit my husband in the face. Not 2 minutes later, while laying in bed and trying to apologize, I accidentally kneed him in the balls. FML
ephram17 tells us more.
ephram17 24
OP here. Thankfully, he understood that both were accidents. I apologized for both and he wasn't mad. He does however enjoy making me feel a little guilty with some good natured teasing about it.
Noob
Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML
The heat of the moment
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML
Beyond help
Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML
Busted
Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML
Today, I walked twenty minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML
He's one of those people
Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML
Today, I went to the gun range for a birthday and got shot in the foot by my mom. FML
Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML
No one disturbs the masters
Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed to meet. After half an hour he still hadn't arrived, so I texted him. He replied with a half-hearted apology and said he couldn't come because his cat had fallen asleep on his lap and he didn't want to wake it. FML
Are you lost?
Today, while I was working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sold dildos. FML
Today, my friends made a little game out of my OCD. They like to purposely poke one of my arms so I immediately poke the other one. They think it's hilarious and now do it constantly. FML
danceinconverse tells us more.
Wow, the range of comments had me laughing to making a disgusted face. Thanks to everyone who was supportive but no need to worry! I'll explain things further but this will be long. And to people saying "woah I do the same thing!", you most likely have OCD, but DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE, ask your doctor about it before you prance around calling yourself mentally ill. For me, I've always done little sort of tensing my muscles and making both sides feel the same games with myself ever since I can remember, especially in the car. It didn't become a problem until high school, when I started doing finger things to each hand to calm myself down, and it escalated into something actually slightly debilitating. But anyways, so I also unfortunately have anxiety and depression to mix with my OCD, so I've never came out and said to most of my friends I have any of these things, or many people at all. I hate the "Oh just be happy and you'll feel better!" Comments so I tend to not bring it up unless necessary. (Think: having a permanent broken leg, and when people realize, the "advice" they give you is to walk on it and you should be fine). But anyway, in their defence they just thought I was being silly, I do have a lot of quirks so I don't blame them. If they hadve known it was causing me legitimate panic, they of course would have stopped, but I'm very good at covering up my negative feelings. It did give me a panic attack i had silently in the washroom the first time the original friend figured it out (lightly smacking my arm to get my attention and seeing what looked like me immediately covering the other one in pain, as if the opposite one they actually hit hurt. I would definitely find that funny too). They all had a go at poking my arm to see me poke the other one, and eventually seeing if it worked on other areas of my body. I was laughing along so they had no reason to assume it was genuinely distressing me, even though it was just my panicked (anxiety induced) "aw shit they figured it out I don't want them to know I'm even weirder, I'll just play it off" response. But the next time they saw me they had forgotten it all together almost, and now they only do it occasionally in a weird "insulting your friend to let them know you love them" kind of way. Those times I can genuinely laugh at. I'm all for making fun of myself and I get that it's pretty funny, and also it kind of helps me in a weird way. But if the level it was at the first time hadve continued after the first time, i 100% would have explained to them why it's not ok, and I can guarantee they never would've done it again. And advice to anyone who is dealing with something similar where it does genuinely bother them, really, let the people know. If they patronize you for it, they are strait up dick nuggets, don't take their crap. Sorry for the novel but hope i cleared some things up!
Delayed
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML