Today, I found out that I have been studying for the wrong final exam. One more hour until the test. FML
Today, I found out that I'm named after my dad's favourite drink. FML
Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML
Today, I realized my boyfriend only asks me to come spend the night when he needs me to wake him up in the morning. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML
Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML
Today, I finally got a job interview, and I thought it went amazing. They were supposed to call me today or tomorrow with the news. Today is also the day that my phone company decided to cut my phone off. FML
Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML
Today, my mom bought me some expensive Japanese candy. I opened it, and saw that each chewy candy was wrapped in a thin, hard to peel off wrapper. After trying to get each wrapper off, I determined they were unopen-able and threw them away. I then read the box, saying the wrappers were edible. FML
Today, I shaved my legs and pits for the first time this summer. It took 3 disposable razors and an hour to get the job done. I've clearly been single for far too long. FML
Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML
Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML
Today, after racing home with a jumbo package of toilet paper, I ran into my house to go to the bathroom. I then realized I'd left the toilet paper in the car. FML
Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML
Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML
Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? He said his mom didn't want us together anymore. His mom died three years ago. FML
Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML
Today, while I was driving, I saw my driving instructor from high school walking on the sidewalk. As I waved to him, I rear-ended the car in front of me. Guess I really showed him how much I learned from him. FML
Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML
Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML
Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML
Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML
Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML
Today, my sister decided to wake me up by pumping handwash into my open mouth. FML
Today, I accidentally stapled my finger to a piece of paper. It hurt, but I took it out and went to restaple it. I did it again. FML
Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML
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