All the FMLs

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

Today, my co-worker handed me a note. The note said, "If you can, please take a shower once in a while." The smell was coming from the broken bathroom next to my office. FML

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing he said to him was, "You're an idiot for dating my daughter." FML

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

Today, a co-worker passed me a note with information about one of our cute, new co-workers I was interested in. Her report? Simple: "Lesbian. Try again. They're EVERYWHERE!" FML

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

Lame

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "Shit!", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother." FML

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

Broke

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML

Bad boys bad boys

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." She then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

Slam the brakes

Today, I totaled my car, because I mistook the leaves blowing across the road for a child. I swerved and hit a tree. The home owner wants to sue for "harming his tree" and hospital wants to test my mental stability. FML

Today, I did my old "toe-touch" cheerleading move to try to impress my 5-year-old daughter. When I landed, I broke my toe. FML

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. When I leaned in on him, he fell over backwards and smashed his head against the floor. FML

Today, I woke up to the sound of a Suburban crashing through my fence and striking the tree in my front yard. After filling out the police report, the driver repeatedly asked me to give him a lift to work. He seemed confused by my speechlessness. FML

Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall. FML

Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML

Today, I found out that the daily "vitamins" that my dad has been giving me for the last three months were actually weight loss pills. FML