Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML
Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML
Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML
Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I finally decided to try an alternative to peanut butter, since I found out I was allergic a while back. Two hours later I had to be sent home because the allegedly allergen-free SunButter caused my lips and throat to swell and patches of rashes to form all over my body. FML
Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML
Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML
Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML
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Top comments
cradle6 13
That's...incredibly bitchy
DanLikesDodge 5
It's peanut butter-jelly time!!!
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Comments (205)
cradle6 13
That's...incredibly bitchy
BarDownDaily 12
How did you find out thats why she eats them? Did she directly say it to you, or are you just making an assumption?
Capt_Awesome137 0
4- you're saying that like OP will actually respond to you...
BarDownDaily 12
8- OP can respond if they have an FML account. I've seen it happen before. Idiot.
Artsygirl90 14
Sounds like a completely healthy marriage.
KeyboardWarrior 10
Actually OP can choose to respond if he was so inclined.
himoonkey 8
Op might actually not have an account.
FMLandurstoo 9
Ops name on the fml pertains to the fml not an actual username so I doubt he has an account.
GoW_Chick 15
Maybe OP's wife just really likes... PEANUT BUTTER, JELLY TIME!
desireev 18
PEANUT BUTTER, JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT!!
VoteForTaco 8
36 beat me to it :(
22cute 17
It's sad, but clearly she's turned off by your kisses. Find out why & improve. Maybe you have bad breath. Quit bitchin and fix it.
somewizdom 15
I wonder to what lengths she might go to avoid sleeping with you.
Shy_Anne 10
What other reason would there be to eat pb&j's :) ?
dav3800 7
She sounds nuts.
bettyc4 26
I'm allergic too
tygerarmy 35
Kiss her everywhere else! Or talk to her about it. Before she starts kissing a marriage councilor.
beautyful_mess 0
Ur hawt :3
tmmundy 17
#20....did you really just say that? If op doesn't have an account, how the hell was op able to make a post? duh
GroovyGravy 7
Zing!
somepeopleskids 0
Only slightly bitchy....
MeggieManiacal 0
Vut a bitch.
npnptracking 7
*What
urdirtyolduncle 15
What?
BostonBruinsFan 8
He's German, right? He said what a bitch
TheWindowLicker 13
Hate to break it to you, "vut" is not German for what. "Was" is.
shoopd 19
Hate to break it to you, they were probably phonetically spelling how someone with a German accent would pronounce "what".
lexif96 0
Thumbs up if you read that comment in a German accent.
TheWindowLicker 13
In all honesty my comment was more of a smartass joke, so don't take it seriously, 98. And so you know, I've talked to many german people who will say what, not vut. But I guess your explanation makes sense too.
zombiegold 23
Vut is actually Dutch for early retirement. I used google translate.
freakinglaugher 10
I'v always thought of the "V" from "W" as a Russian accent stereotype. Ver is d? vodka. V?t is that?
The_Great_Bevis 3
What a bitch
marzipanimal 15
Looks like it's time for a new toooothpaaaaste.(:
tparis12345 4
He must be one ugly sumbitch
LexSwift 17
Take her out to eat pufferfish. It literally slightly poisons you and makes you feel light headed. Give her a taste of her own medicine. :)
Pufferfish78 5
Please don't eat me.
steviesnm 6
Perfect. Asshole boss? Poison them. That sounds like a logical thing to do.
Grimmerie 31
Actually, if fugu is correctly prepared there is not enough toxin remaining in the flesh of the puffer to do any damage.
skorpien 1
138 - I think you replied to the wrong FML. This one has nothing to do with bosses...
iSeeSarcasm 3
So is this why you have a restraining order from every one of your ex's?
Jakesterk96 8
U have no idea what you're missing.
DocBastard 40
Seems to me he's missing kissing his wife and death by anaphylaxis.
MikeDa1Da 14
It seems to me that 6 is implying peanut butter is tasty.
DanLikesDodge 5
Anaphylaxis is a life-threatening allergic reaction which would occur when op eats peanut butter
xStaciexLynnx 15
38- Did someone ask or do you always give random definitions?
DanLikesDodge 5
41 did someone ask you to read my comment or are you always that bitchy?
Jakesterk96 8
Of course I was implying the peanut butter part, I guess not being too specific is frowned upon.
BostonBruinsFan 8
Who doesn't like Peanut Butter?? (Only exception are people allergic to any or all nut(s).)
somewizdom 15
59 agreed. mild vagueness and/or blunt sarcasm is considered trolling, instant down vote.
DanLikesDodge 5
It's peanut butter-jelly time!!!
Pentium_4 27
it can be peanut butter jelly time for OP. but then tomorrow his new FML will be, "Today, i died. FML"
datguyuno 5
81- What life? He's dead
Pentium_4 27
that was my attempt at humor :P
DanLikesDodge 5
You tried too hard ;)
himoonkey 8
You should torture her by making her listen to Lil Wayne.
j_cat187 20
Or the beiber beaver
zombiegold 23
Or Rebecca Black.
Boomshadow 3
Two words: wax lips.
ClassyCommando 13
Two words: sentence fragment [Hypocritical Grammar Nazi]
Destruct0r 5
Two words: Horatio Cain
GoW_Chick 15
You know that did work for Robin when he went to kiss Poison Ivy... I'm not a Batman fangirl I swear!
BostonBruinsFan 8
Four Words-CSI:Miami rules!
shoopd 19
How is that four words...? Here's a better one. Four words - No it does not.
KiddNYC1O 22
Three letters: Wtf.
swoozie23 6
One word: Boobs =)
hjanelle14 2
dumbass that's 3
RuCheezBurger 10
Wow. That's actually really bitchy, she knows how allergic you are, she shouldn't do that. Not even if she doesn't want to.
hotPinklipstick 24
Some people are just bitches. Sorry OP.