All the FMLs

Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

Today, I spun a two year old upside down, in circles. She wasn't remotely dizzy. I threw up on myself. FML

Lovely bundles of joy

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

Outlaw

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

Cool your jets

Today, my mom and siblings got into a fight. Being generally quiet and non-confrontational, I stayed out of it. Shortly thereafter, I was yelled at by my mother for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful." I still don't know what I did wrong. FML

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

Today, I found out why my room-mates and I have been ill for the past week. Apparently a rodent climbed into our water cooker and died. I have been drinking tea and eating noodles that have been tainted by a corpse all this time. FML

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

Today, I finally managed to get through to the radio station that I always listen to. I handed the phone to my dad so he could win the prize for me, because I'm under 18. He hung up because he thought it was a prank call. FML

Today, I spent five dollars on a virtual cat. FML

Today, I had to cancel my wedding. On top of being upset about the break up, I was informed I owed a $900 cancellation fee for not using the venue. Single and broke. FML

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

Just a prank, son!

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh, apparently. FML

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

Today, I told a co-worker to "lighten up, and stop wearing black all the time, it makes you look depressed." I didn't know his father had died the week before. FML

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

Today, while driving to my girlfriend's house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend's dad trying to say hi. FML

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

Look Rufus…

Today, my teacher started talking about me quietly to the stuffed cat, called Rufus, that she keeps on her desk. FML

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML