By FML Approved - United States - New York

Too Much Sugar

Sometimes all you can do is sit back and let them get it out of their systems.

Favorite

Eat the rich

Cooked it up

Mix and match

By jessica - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39198

You deserved it

7431

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32416

You deserved it

4317

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By Broderick - United States

Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29978

You deserved it

6932

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By TordNorski - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23712

You deserved it

1402

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By indian:( - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8968

You deserved it

32985

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By Quackers - United States - Denver

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9482

You deserved it

37165

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By Anonymous1221

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12048

You deserved it

1432

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 23:01

Cool moves

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

346

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By romainmain - France - Charleville-m?zi?res

Today, I saw a small bug on the wall, so I decided to send it straight to the insect afterlife by smashing it with a book. The book crushed it, and caused my clock to come free from the wall and crash down onto my TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12905

You deserved it

26470

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By CouldBeALoser - United States - West Tehama County

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12838

You deserved it

1062

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13353

You deserved it

37733

Favorite

By PissNTra - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42806

You deserved it

5244

Favorite

By Bitchjackedmyball - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34416

You deserved it

5524

Favorite

By NotBridezilla - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, after waiting 3 months until my friend's wedding was done being celebrated, I announced my engagement. My newlywed friend bitched me out for "stealing" all of the attention and being selfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9764

You deserved it

786

Favorite

By (L) - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2732

You deserved it

3640

Favorite

By nicole - United States

Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9315

You deserved it

78277

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my 6'8" Russian friend picked me up, a 5'0" petite girl. This would be fine if he hadn't been startled by a moth and dropped me down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2998

You deserved it

217

Favorite

By RIPLife - Switzerland - Carouge

Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23580

You deserved it

1529

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

81261

You deserved it

4180

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By Msrebound

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4795

You deserved it

584

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28415

You deserved it

4157

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By Eric - United States

Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13270

You deserved it

24510

Favorite

By WalkTheOtherWay - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30580

You deserved it

7533

Favorite

By cjbutterfly96 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23354

You deserved it

2252

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35189

You deserved it

3125

Favorite

By jay ze punk - France - Metz-tessy

Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37613

You deserved it

5185

Favorite

By Acneface - France

Today, I got my hair done, eyebrows waxed, and a new expensive dress to impress my boyfriend. When I got home I asked him if he noticed anything different about me. He looked at me for one minute before asking, "Did you finally start using Proactive?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47076

You deserved it

5786

Favorite

By ladyofzanarkand

He doesn't even go here!

Today, I had my high school piano recital. The entire time I was playing, one of my classmates sitting up front kept booing me and yelling "YOU SUCK" at the top of his lungs. He drowned out the entire song. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3976

You deserved it

224

Favorite

By Lizzie - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Dad jokes, part #23555

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1459

You deserved it

248

Favorite

By Sonofaquiche

Today, I had to help my grandma because her TV suddenly stopped working. She has cable as well as satellite, so she figured she didn't need the satellite receiver anymore. Apparently the best way to do get rid of it was to cut all the cables connected to the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4899

You deserved it

435

Favorite

By RupeeLink - United Kingdom

Today, to cheer my girlfriend up after her mother died a week ago, I took her to a comedy club. The comedian's theme for the night happened to be mother-daughter relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62600

You deserved it

7974

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - New Baltimore

Today, I found out I have sodium fluoride poisoning. Apparently, my water has a high level of sodium fluorine. I've been drinking much more water lately trying to be healthier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33949

You deserved it

2751

Favorite

By Anonymous - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47219

You deserved it

3278

Favorite

By TomorrowMaybe - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7722

You deserved it

8136

Favorite

By lyla - United States

Today, I was on the train ride home from a trip to Florida, and I gave my mom a call. While we talked, I made an offhand comment that all my friends back home must miss me. She knowingly asked if I meant my Sims and my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24278

You deserved it

5207

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 11:31

Unrequited lover

Today, I had to give advice to my best friend and love of my life. What kind of advice? What to wear while on a date with some guy. We're roommates, and she wouldn't stop telling me about everything when she got home. This happens on a regular basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

406

You deserved it

842

Favorite

By Reggie

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4758

You deserved it

602

Favorite

By Potato_Lord - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22674

You deserved it

1450

Favorite

By Anon.

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38250

You deserved it

2465

Favorite

By jonhapimp - United States

Today, I found out that my Mom had taken out a loan out on my car from the repo man taking my car away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31880

You deserved it

2453

Favorite

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Top comments

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7555318 - Saturday 21 October 2017 22:28

when she/he stopped at the top of the stairs, she/he could have stuck a paw out and tripped his ass for running in the house.

COMMENTS

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7555318 - Saturday 21 October 2017 22:28

when she/he stopped at the top of the stairs, she/he could have stuck a paw out and tripped his ass for running in the house.