Today, it was an unusually hot day and I saw one of my friends... - FML

By Stinkycar - 5/6/2017 12:00

Today, it was an unusually hot day and I saw one of my friends walking down the street carrying a large bag. I stopped and asked if he needed a ride. When he got in, I noticed a horrible stench. He then told me he'd just been dumpster diving. FML

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Boozehound

You can't win sometimes

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Irritated - 12/9/2016 15:29 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

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By ashamedklutz - 22/2/2014 00:20 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, with a single misstep, I managed to send myself and several others tumbling down a stairwell at work. An ambulance ended up having to be called for one lady. FML

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By RubyRed213 - 30/5/2018 05:00

Today, I found out that my parents are extremely active swingers by finding their online profile with photos of my mom with a dildo. I guess those out-of-town trips weren't just holidays. FML

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By Awkward... - 29/1/2013 09:40 - United States - Killeen

Today, my sister's boyfriend called while she was out. The second I answered he tried to have phone sex with me. When I explained to him that I wasn't my sister and that we just sound the same on the phone, he replied, "Don't care, let's keep going." FML

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By Just_do_it_17 - 9/5/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

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By fuckmyliiiiiiife - 1/5/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

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By Nottheprettylady - 5/4/2009 01:07 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

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By Christina - 5/12/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

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By izzy46111 - 11/11/2014 16:56 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

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By - 30/1/2019 00:00

Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML

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By Jonny - 9/1/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 13:56 - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

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By stupidpolicia - 25/9/2009 08:33 - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By MacBook - 14/5/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, my dad was in town for 1 day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dads slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. we talked for 15 minutes. FML

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By thedeerman - 17/9/2011 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By lostinthewoods - 30/5/2019 04:00

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

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By Smeagogole - 2/7/2015 04:30 - France - Villeurbanne

Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense 10-minute search in the dark. As well as thanks, I've now got a new nickname. You can now call me Gollum. FML

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By Anon - 5/12/2009 14:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML

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By stood-up - 12/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

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By mintypoison - 14/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids in my apartment building play their recorder loudly and horribly. She started over whenever she missed a note. I was sick, was getting a migraine from it, and couldn't ask her to stop without her mom yelling at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 09:40 - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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By larsn - 3/6/2016 20:32 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

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By croleymd - 17/2/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, I found my company car wrecked in a ditch. Apparently, leaving it parked on an icy hill all night was a bad idea. I have to pick up my manager from the airport. FML

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By ohdeargodthatswrong - 9/1/2010 13:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

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By kb10 - 14/3/2011 07:32

Today, I got arrested for shoplifting. I don't know what's worse, that I stole a one dollar bottle of chocolate milk, or that I didn't have the dollar to pay for it. FML

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By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By Unlucky - 19/12/2018 02:00 - United Kingdom - Bagworth

Today, I found out my ex gave me an STI. Today I also found out I'm allergic to the medication. FML

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By mandiballz - 12/1/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He says "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

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By james - 14/12/2008 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML

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By moxy - 24/1/2011 15:00

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

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By Lonely School Kid - 30/7/2015 22:35 - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2019 20:25

Today, it appears that I spent three years of my life studying for a degree to find myself driving around looking for potholes. That's literally my job. I didn't even study roading, my civil engineering degree is in designing structures. FML

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By ThatWasntFun - 29/1/2015 21:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

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By oldtexas - 13/8/2009 07:27 - United States

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

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By ElodieUNU - 12/7/2013 19:33 - France

Today, I went on a blind date. The guy greeted me with a "What's up, bitch?", which I wrote off as him just being really laid-back. By dessert, he'd asked me if my boobs are real, then when we finished, asked how many more dates it'd take before I put out. So much for that. FML

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By officekid - 16/8/2019 02:00

Today, a woman from my office called, asking who was in. Only one other woman was in the office. I couldn't remember her name, so I had to awkwardly guess random names while both women listened, obviously aware of what was going on. FML

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By mortifying - 28/10/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Skinny girl

Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML

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By Loveless - 6/5/2019 00:00

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7465379 - Sunday 4 June 2017 22:10

Please tell me it's not the same guy who pooped on your car seat a few days ago.

If it is, you need to show him Uber.

By Regulate | 21

#7465377 - Sunday 4 June 2017 22:09

Did he find anything good?

Comments

By Regulate | 21

#7465377 - Sunday 4 June 2017 22:09

Did he find anything good?

Reply

Pixiewolfe | 46

#7465385 - Sunday 4 June 2017 22:24

With a large bag I'd say yes!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7465379 - Sunday 4 June 2017 22:10

Please tell me it's not the same guy who pooped on your car seat a few days ago.

If it is, you need to show him Uber.

Reply

C8H18 | 33

#7465441 - Monday 5 June 2017 0:41

OP here. No, that's not the same guy.

By SneakyDeath | 15

#7465678 - Monday 5 June 2017 17:37

It works well in the Sims, but then again, they do get the smelly status.

By pdelapuente92 | 11

#7465774 - Monday 5 June 2017 20:24

Americans

Reply

GippGapp | 6

#7465806 - Monday 5 June 2017 21:33

ikr

By Lobby_Bee | 16

#7465789 - Monday 5 June 2017 20:58

One man's trash is another man's treasure.