Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing...

By MetalisLife

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

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Out of it

Bad boys, bad boys…

Trans women are women

By mentallyscarred - United States

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

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33986

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

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20141

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

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45354

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By Anonymous

Today, we found out the god-awful smell in our truck was actually coming from the whole uncooked chicken I thought the store forgot to ring up over 2 weeks ago. It had fallen out of the bag and under the passenger seat. FML

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6845

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By CB4 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

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49517

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By ... - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found my 6 year old daughter upstairs lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving "the carpet a haircut." FML

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40204

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

High Times

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

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1696

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By hopeless - Canada

Today, I was playing tetherball with my younger brother. I get really competitive, so I threw it as hard as I could. It came around and hit me in the face. FML

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9739

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By totallyscrewedomg - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

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37292

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By power corrupts... - Czech Republic

Today, at my job as a movie theater attendant, my boss finally eased up and let me sit in on one of the movies. One woman kept laughing out loud every other line. After ten minutes of her braying like a dying horse, I got up and had her ejected from the theater. I'm a terrible person. FML

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33970

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

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1686

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By constantine - United States

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML

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8531

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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24700

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

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27702

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By NotYourDaddy

Today, my 17-year-old employee accidentally called me "Dad". We all got a good laugh from it and went on with our days. Later, after getting her some coins for her cash drawer, she playfully said, "Thanks, Daddy." The customer she was serving? My wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6311

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533

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By jaycee - United States

Today, after having finally summoned the nerve to report a guy at my workplace who has been sexually harassing me for months, I got a phone call from my boss. He said that there was nothing he could do about it, because the guy "wouldn't confess." FML

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32007

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By Livewire - United States

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28847

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

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14520

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By thisisavirus.exe - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

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46110

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By Bones

Today, on my way to work, I realized that I took my Viagra instead of my blood pressure medication. FML

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3282

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By Ishii - Canada

Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML

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28921

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By Evil_Angel_90 - Australia

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

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42925

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By "LovelySB"

Today, while trying to get over all the emotional things I've been going through, I forgot that my bedroom door was open and here my silly behind was dancing in my underwear while my roommate watched on. FML

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1513

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By grantsidiots - Australia

Today, my fiancée broke up with me over text message while I was away for work. She later posted photos of her and her new boyfriend on Facebook, while still wearing my engagement ring. FML

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56696

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By FMarinasL - United States

Today, I asked my mother to pay back the $50 she owes me. Rather than paying me back, she raced off to "work". She's been unemployed for 3 years. FML

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30954

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By bananaman - United Kingdom

Today, I've been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to "signal problems". We can't get off because it's "unsafe". I'm on my way home from work and I can see my house through the window. FML

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46423

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

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15641

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By nothowtheydoitinalabama - United States

Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML

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29415

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By Yellow an - United States

Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML

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27757

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By Anonymous

Bird song

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

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1478

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

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39896

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By ihncredible - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

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30079

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By Anonymous - United States

Unionize!

Today, my boss told me he was going to start taking money out of my pay, because his wife makes us lunch. I work for my dad, and he wants to start charging me because my mom makes me a sandwich. FML

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1909

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By joy - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

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38342

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By Anonymous

Nice pic

Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a member pic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. (she had asked me for it). She saw the pic, and blocked me. FML

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1769

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By Anonymous

Today, a week after my son was born via C-section, I received 3 messages from 3 different women saying that they had recently slept with my fiancé. One of them said they tested positive for herpes. FML

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3732

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By Steve - New Zealand

Today, I had a car accident. In the same place, at the same time, and with the same friend in the passenger seat as last week. FML

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27395

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By nooo - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I got a wedgie after a workout class. As I was walking, I used my gym bag to discreetly unwedgie it, and then turned around to check that no one was there. The cute guy that I had a crush on last year was right behind me, and by the look on his face, it wasn't discreet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31216

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By Samyett - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

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58128

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By drivingmecrazy - United States - Sacramento

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

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29268

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Top comments

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#7386627 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 10:36

Must have been one hell of a high note you hit.

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#7386612 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 10:02

In the dick, m'ame?

COMMENTS

By TheEpicKitten | 20

#7386589 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 9:10

Might want to switch the gender on your account

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#7386612 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 10:02

In the dick, m'ame?

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#7386627 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 10:36

Must have been one hell of a high note you hit.

By niallo | 23

#7386635 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 10:54

Don't do that. Really.

By KneeGrowMancer | 0

#7386637 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 11:01

just right in bejewels. well damn

By Death69 | 24

#7386680 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 11:40

Was the song called "Ballcrusher" by any chance?

By jcash52426 | 5

#7386692 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 11:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By sasquatchius | 3

#7386701 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 12:06

With any luck you hit hard enough that you never have children, otherwise it's an FML for all of us.

By sohigh10 | 34

#7386706 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 12:21

Wow. Kids in Africa could have eaten the salt you wasted on this comment.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#7386708 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 12:25

Probably that Metalocalypse thing "Crush my Battle Opponent's Balls".