Today, I scored the winning goal for a tournament. Too bad it... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 20:45 - Nigeria

Today, I scored the winning goal for a tournament. Too bad it was for the opposition team. If only looks could kill. FML

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Dangling modifier

Season finale

Peaky Bladders

By that makes me a sad panda - 19/5/2014 21:44 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

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By Rachel - 18/5/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I was planning on meeting my friend at the mall. She came late, and I was in the dressing room trying on a few things. When I came out to meet her, she looked at me oddly and said, "You shouldn't buy that, it looks terrible on you." Those were the clothes I came in. FML

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By bad_day_in_hell - 17/11/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I woke up to a phone call from my boss' wife. She demanded to know how long we'd been sleeping together. When I denied her allegations, she screamed that she knew all about my "history of sleeping with married men". I'm a virgin and I have to work with him tomorrow. FML

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By 3rdWheel1stBorn - 23/3/2018 19:00

Today, I saw that my biological father took his 2 favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML

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By maxthndr - 10/2/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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By dentallycorrect - 19/8/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, while casually sitting at a bar, a drunk biker with no teeth leaned over and tried to kiss me. I'm a sailor in the Navy, but I think I screamed like a little girl. FML

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By Alaska - 29/10/2015 03:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 00:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

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By madbabynoel - 25/3/2016 15:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

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By FMyEx - 6/12/2012 11:50 - United States - Southington

Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML

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By caroline - 29/10/2015 20:02 - Germany

Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML

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By CastAway - 24/5/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 01:36 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was driving to work and I got a text from my girlfriend. She said she was breaking up with me. I was a little heartbroken, but I had to get on with my day. I got to work and my boss fired me. Turns out, my boss and girlfriend have been having an affair and she told him to fire me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I decided to give blood for the second time. I felt excrutiating pain when she stuck the needle in my arm. Another nurse came running over in a panic. Apparently my inexperienced nurse had put it in my tendon instead of my vein. FML

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By baldintheback - 15/8/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2015 20:52 - Ireland

Today, my housemate got back at me for asking for her share of a bill by losing her virginity to the guy I like, very loudly. FML

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By Snowtoe - 14/1/2017 14:00

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 12:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

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By anonymous - 21/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to give me my Christmas present early because he's going to his grandparents' house for Christmas and won't see me. I was excited, until I unwrapped a sweater that I left there a month ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML

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By shatfjord - 10/10/2014 22:34 - United States - Rochester

Today, I and a coworker got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss' infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 22:15 - United Kingdom - Warwick

Today, my grandpa told my mom that he needs to rewrite his will soon. I jokingly said that I was going to be stinking rich when he passes away. He retorted that he's never forgiven me for rear-ending his car six years ago, and because of this, I'll never see a penny of his money. FML

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By handyjon - 1/3/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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By farksh - 7/3/2015 12:14 - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

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By Brady - 30/4/2013 16:00 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I called a taxi after a night of partying. When it arrived, I realised I had no cash, so I told the driver I'd quickly grab some from an ATM. He made me leave my phone with him as collateral in case I was pulling a prank. He drove off the moment I turned my back. FML

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By cough - 27/12/2019 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Good initiative

Today, I was choking on an apple and asked my sister to get me some water. She got some. Then drank it herself. FML

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By Face_loser - 24/11/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

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By Somethingtoworryabout - 26/10/2018 22:00

Today, I couldn't help but laugh at my girlfriend because she always becomes paranoid when she's around cars. I found her reaction cute and told her that "there's nothing to worry about". A car ran over me two hours later. I'm in a hospital now. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2015 12:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 22:21 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

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By argh - 13/3/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 14:33 - United States - Brownwood

Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. I'd been holding in painful gas for a while, so I tried to ease it out. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. Everyone glared at me as if I was trying to be funny. FML

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By thismakesmesad - 7/9/2011 16:16 - United States

Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML

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By fmylifegirl - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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By Ren - 24/2/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

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By KillMeNow - 9/6/2017 09:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my visiting mother-in-law announced she plans on moving to our state and living next door. When I said that's not going to happen, she chuckled and said, "It's happening, Kate." Kate is my husband's ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. FML

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By Nissan_David - 18/1/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

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By jnp414 - 29/5/2016 01:11 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

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Top comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7549240 - Friday 6 October 2017 1:00

To be fair, it was your fault for not paying attention. But hey, you scored a goal!
Your teammates shouldn't have been so harsh on you op.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7549222 - Friday 6 October 2017 0:20

Is your name Michelle Tanner?

COMMENTS

By azouwa | 26

#7547938 - Monday 2 October 2017 21:47

lol. ouch. sorry. your life does suck.

By arioch_fml | 18

#7549191 - Thursday 5 October 2017 22:30

It's a good thing looks can't kill, or you'd be dead.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7549222 - Friday 6 October 2017 0:20

Is your name Michelle Tanner?

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7549240 - Friday 6 October 2017 1:00

To be fair, it was your fault for not paying attention. But hey, you scored a goal!
Your teammates shouldn't have been so harsh on you op.

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#7549271 - Friday 6 October 2017 3:13

Wanna tell us how it happened?

By Little Richard | 10

#7549300 - Friday 6 October 2017 6:16

So you're the best player on the other team?

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7549334 - Friday 6 October 2017 9:32

Great use of miss direction, no one saw this one coming.

By Stiggy626 | 25

#7549368 - Friday 6 October 2017 11:26

my buddy did that... Got a rebound in basketball and put it back up, in the other teams goal haha he was super excited but we were like nice shot man but wrong goal hahaha