By FML Approved

Today, I knew nothing. FML

Could you see Kit Harington as anyone other than John Snow? Well there's no need to imagine it now that Jimmy Kimmel has revealed the long lost audition tapes! (It's a good thing that Harrington landed the role he did. Daenerys doesn't suit him.)

Tweet

Share

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Buzzing the tower

Spooky

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84553

You deserved it

6624

Tweet

Share

By lifsabtch

Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32300

You deserved it

8787

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4595

You deserved it

851

Tweet

Share

By nothanks - United States

Today, my elderly father-in-law grabbed my breasts in the pool at a family gathering. I'd let it go as an accident if this wasn't the 4th time it happened today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57787

You deserved it

5457

Tweet

Share

By Ballhugger - Canada

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29428

You deserved it

11078

Tweet

Share

By InnocenceBlue

Today, as always, my mother hates my life choices. Particularly my hair for some reason. As she's always whinging about it being dyed blonde, I dyed it back to my natural colour again to appease her, and stop the constant bullying. She hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1611

You deserved it

178

Tweet

Share

By relievedbutashamed

Today, I left a coffee shop abruptly to go to my car to let out some really bad and loud gas. My window was partly open because it's broken. A stranger was walking on the sidewalk in front of me. He looked terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1826

You deserved it

380

Tweet

Share

By exfishowner

Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2411

You deserved it

327

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36286

You deserved it

2770

Tweet

Share

By buttercup92 - United States - San Antonio

Today, while hiking, I walked face first into a spider web. Freaking out, I shook my hair out in case there was a spider. Later on in the day the spider fell from my hair into my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13857

You deserved it

1142

Tweet

Share

By cumguzzler - United States

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68448

You deserved it

11867

Tweet

Share

By loser - United States

Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

367477

You deserved it

32588

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9413

You deserved it

1002

Tweet

Share

By SwingingChili

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23568

You deserved it

4623

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 23:01

Drained

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1830

You deserved it

82

Tweet

Share

By Seanzy - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on forever asked me why the pin on my Letterman jacket had two guys doing it. I told her it was for participating in a wrestling tournament. And she responded, "Oh I thought you were finally coming out of the closet!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

64863

You deserved it

6831

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8184

You deserved it

44882

Tweet

Share

By nu_ravers_101 - United States

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40236

You deserved it

4044

Tweet

Share

By Michelle - United States - Abingdon

Today, I went to dinner at my parents' house. I was going to surprise them by introducing them to my new boyfriend. They decided to surprise me too, by inviting my ex to the dinner. Everyone was surprised tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39617

You deserved it

3008

Tweet

Share

By fatblooddonor

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2034

You deserved it

311

Tweet

Share

By thefoolwhorippedhispants

Today, I came home from work to realize I had a massive rip in my shorts from my crotch to my crack. I have to lean over constantly in front of dozens of people at my job. Not one person said anything, but now I know why they were chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4226

You deserved it

401

Tweet

Share

By jameen - United Kingdom - Tadley

Today, whilst out shopping with my crush, I decided to jokingly try on a silly-looking dress in an overly-expensive shop. Apparently I took the wrong size as I couldn't get out. Not only did the shop assistants have to publicly cut me out of the dress, I had to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28628

You deserved it

46252

Tweet

Share

By Sod's Law in action

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3879

You deserved it

1095

Tweet

Share

By Cpt_Concerned - Canada

Today, I realized that my alcoholism has gotten so bad that I rotate liquor stores so the clerks don't think bad about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16386

You deserved it

52475

Tweet

Share

By EyupItsLucas - 24/3/2020 13:35

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock

Today, there’s been birds nesting in my wall since mid winter. They’ve recently started scratching at the wall as if they wanted to get through. This morning, they made their entrance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1423

You deserved it

234

Tweet

Share

By flopsy - Australia

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52242

You deserved it

11313

Tweet

Share

By Say Cheese - United States

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39256

You deserved it

3665

Tweet

Share

By KAAALIS - United States

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

736015

You deserved it

493565

Tweet

Share

By Misky

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10567

You deserved it

28361

Tweet

Share

By LadyChristina25 - United States

Today, I witnessed a horrible car accident and was interviewed by the local news. During the interview I said, "It was terrible. It was like watching a silent movie... but there was sound!" The interview has been aired 6 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34502

You deserved it

81608

Tweet

Share

By FailedSalesman - United States - Lewisville

Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6942

You deserved it

1002

Tweet

Share

By Virginiedetibo - France

Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, "And your mum?" Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mum died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, "She still in the same graveyard?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

19653

You deserved it

51312

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35893

You deserved it

2135

Tweet

Share

By trooper93 - Canada

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26854

You deserved it

4828

Tweet

Share

By ThanksDog

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13391

You deserved it

1489

Tweet

Share

By hitlerfish

Today, while meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time, the first comment I received was, "Well, at least this one is white." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5889

You deserved it

433

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39290

You deserved it

10202

Tweet

Share

By aintgotnoteeth

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11225

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1127

Tweet

Share

By Clutz - United States

Today, after I had finished vacuuming, I ripped the cord out of the outlet and it hit me in the face cutting both my top and bottom lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11388

You deserved it

35787

Tweet

Share

By elevator-troubles - Australia

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a 'damn fine ass'. I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49874

You deserved it

25809

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

No comments yet.

COMMENTS

No comments yet.