Love, Kids and School: Today, I was chilling with my boyfriend of 2 years when, out...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I was chilling with my boyfriend of 2 years when, out of the blue and with complete seriousness, he asked me if I want kids anytime soon. This wouldn't be odd if we weren't both 14 years old. FML

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Love

Kids

School

There's no helping some people

Mother of the year

Whackjobs 'R Us

By hiddenplainly - United States

Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

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By Alexismaria - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML

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By Person

Today, my cousin invited me to an event that would be on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me, was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML

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By lukas - Canada - Lyndhurst

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 12/2/2021 02:01

Dyslexics untie!

Today, after finding out from my psychologist that I have a disability in reading comprehension, I tried to Google how to improve my reading skills. I couldn't understand what any of the articles were saying. FML

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By girlmeetsworld - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

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By Mac - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

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By FootinMouth - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. Out of anger, I spat my gum at her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into some bushes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was late to a sold out movie in the theater, so I had to shuffle in during the previews in the dark. I sat down in what I thought was the last vacant seat, but I'd really just sat in a small woman's lap. She was not happy. FML

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By Hooty - United States - Groveton

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

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By Emmy - United States

Today, while I was on the up escalator, a small woman in front of me farted directly into my face. FML

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By InDebt - United States - Morgantown

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

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By leonieNL - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up my 3 friends from a party. One of them drank too much and claimed she needed to throw up. I pulled over multiple times so she could. It didn't happen until we were right in front of her house and still inside my car. FML

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By boss stabber - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought I saw a snake while I was watering. I got my son to check it out and he agreed too. I was nervous so I called animal control, and they said it would cost $50 just for them to come out, I agreed. It ends up I paid $50 for them to pick up an old diamond weave farmer's hat. FML

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By leahbeuhh - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

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By Aaron - United States

Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asks me out. I say "sure" sarcastically. She then calls my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 17:01 - Germany

Catflap time

Today, our cat doesn’t care much whether she gets into my room or not. Except at about 3 a.m. each night. That’s the time she sits outside the door, meowing to be let in. FML

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By scaredofhedges - United States - San Diego

Today, I was on a plane and realized that the woman next to me was hiding a hedgehog in a plastic container. I'm severely afraid of hedgehogs but not wanting to give the woman up and get her in trouble, I tried to stay quiet. Which led to me to quietly hyperventilate and pass out on the plane. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By Laura

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

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By reckless182 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

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By singlesummer - United States - Compton

Today, I was watching a movie alone, after receiving a text from my boyfriend saying that his grandma was at the hospital, so he couldn't go with me. I caught him on a date with another girl, at the same movie screening that I went to. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML

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By ashleighsheba - United States - La Vergne

Today, I got pulled over, not because I was speeding but because apparently, I looked like a kid driving. The officer said I was too short to drive and needed a booster seat. FML

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By antwhite1987 - United States - Chicago

Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

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By BaMiTsAnYa - United States - Orlando

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

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By gringa_Peru - Peru

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

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By ukfan - United States

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

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By BigmouthStrikesAgain - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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By thesitter - United States

Today, while babysitting, I gave the boy a pen and paper because he wanted to draw me. When he was done, he let me see but then said, "Wait! I'm not done." He took it back and basically colored in the arms. I said, "I'm not wearing long-sleeves." He said, "That's hair." FML

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By uhmwow

Today, I got fired from my job. A coworker that strongly dislikes me convinced my boss I took a day off because I was going to a Trump rally. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

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By ray - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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By RheaDitto

Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. FML

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7549846 - Saturday 7 October 2017 20:37

So how many kids does he want to try making?

By Notmymonkeysnotmycircus | 16

#7549860 - Saturday 7 October 2017 21:34

“Why yes I have been! I’m glad you said something! I thought I was crazy, How do you want yours? I’m thinking deep fried or barbecued but it’s totally up to your personal taste”

COMMENTS

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7549832 - Saturday 7 October 2017 20:14

Run!!

By wightkid | 12

#7549836 - Saturday 7 October 2017 20:19

Uhhhh...

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7549846 - Saturday 7 October 2017 20:37

So how many kids does he want to try making?

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7549848 - Saturday 7 October 2017 20:43

When we had our first I was 25, my wife 27,we had been together for 9 years, married the last 2. At times I thought that WE were too young.

By Elijahboi86 | 2

#7549859 - Saturday 7 October 2017 21:30

lol run away

By Notmymonkeysnotmycircus | 16

#7549860 - Saturday 7 October 2017 21:34

“Why yes I have been! I’m glad you said something! I thought I was crazy, How do you want yours? I’m thinking deep fried or barbecued but it’s totally up to your personal taste”

By really_dad? | 13

#7549872 - Saturday 7 October 2017 22:31

Say yes! Get on Teen Mom and roll in the money

Tony Friddle | 11

#7549977 - Sunday 8 October 2017 3:35

please don't listen to this moron.

By ezrajab | 22

#7549877 - Saturday 7 October 2017 22:46

Run! Run far and run fast

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7549913 - Saturday 7 October 2017 23:51

So the myths are true, baby crazy dudes do exists.

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7549951 - Sunday 8 October 2017 1:18

Well at least he tried to talk to her. To many children having sex and not thinking about the consequences.