Animals: Today, 30 seconds after waking up and shuffling into the bathroom,...

By ScaredShitless - 01/05/2018 00:30 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, 30 seconds after waking up and shuffling into the bathroom, the mother of all spiders lost its fight with gravity and fell into my lap while I was peeing. I went from 0-100 wide awake and screaming at 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 959

You deserved it 293

Animals

Leave us alone

Age difference

Emergency room time

You tried

By LostAlice - 28/03/2021 17:01

Today, I requested a deadline extension at work. The extension was granted, but it didn't apply to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 66

By AmberKCole - 08/07/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 527

You deserved it 100 364

By AD240Z - 16/12/2016 11:39

Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 527

You deserved it 623

Hello, is me you're looking for?

By Anonymous - 31/08/2013 07:24 - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 077

You deserved it 3 146

Hello little dude

By Anonymous - 19/05/2012 22:54 - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 503

You deserved it 2 851

By KarolBee - 14/05/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 656

You deserved it 6 472

By Anonymous - 01/07/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 743

You deserved it 7 890

Acrophobia

By Matthew Smith - 21/06/2021 21:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my new drone got stuck on the neighbour's roof. I'd bought the drone to look at my roof because I don’t like going up on ladders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 461

You deserved it 562

By ouch - 29/01/2010 20:19 - United States

Today, against the will of the kids in my class, we played kick ball. The first time I rolled the ball, the tallest, biggest kid kicked it as hard as he could. I caught it though, with my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 172

You deserved it 5 261

By aceshot97 - 06/12/2011 14:33 - Canada

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street, as I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 430

You deserved it 7 542

Noise annoys

By Mystic - 04/09/2021 00:01 - United States - Denver

Today, it’s the fifth day in a row that my mom has vacuumed right outside my room, from 5 to 11 AM. Despite this, I still can’t fall asleep before midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 86

By Anonymous - 09/02/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 508

You deserved it 4 050

By Anonymous - 29/10/2012 17:59 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was at the mall and I noticed this guy staring at me from across the food court. He smiled and waved at me so I walked over there and tried to talk to him. He was looking at his girlfriend the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 455

You deserved it 5 052

By VoiceMail - 09/04/2011 12:53 - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 186

You deserved it 7 844

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had it off. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 810

You deserved it 4 232

By auto boogie man - 19/11/2015 16:44 - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 928

You deserved it 2 129

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:17 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 997

You deserved it 3 620

Family man

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Minden

Today, my fiancé told me that his work is more important than our family. We have 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 147

By Anonymous - 15/03/2016 05:55

Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 128

You deserved it 3 289

By samantha - 27/01/2010 14:05 - Singapore

Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 670

You deserved it 4 347

By StupidApple - 25/05/2011 00:02

Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 815

You deserved it 53 162

By toothpastecat - 13/05/2011 15:41 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 559

You deserved it 8 405

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 17:20 - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 717

You deserved it 4 349

By Herdad - 30/07/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 964

You deserved it 3 677

Not really a good sign

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 02:01

Today, my long distance girlfriend of 6 months, who landed in canada last week, and for whom I was supposed to travel from Toronto to Vancouver next week to meet her for the first time, blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 151

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 17:26 - Canada - Uxbridge

Today, I'm insanely hungover from a long night of drinking. I'm going to my nephew's baptism in an hour as his godmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 183

You deserved it 55 201

By ripdivine - 24/02/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 259

You deserved it 56 420

By the attention seeker - 17/04/2013 21:57 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 857

You deserved it 4 293

Thanks, that fixed it

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 20:00

Today, my coworker touched me inappropriately. I reported it to HR, and all they said was, "Do you want to talk to a therapist?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 106

By notapetkiller - 26/07/2016 06:12 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, while in the car with my mom, we accidentally ran over a dog that had sprinted into the road. Instead of stopping, my mom continued to drive as if nothing happened. Every time I tried to bring it up, she merely talked loudly over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 921

You deserved it 1 616

By wheresthelove - 30/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 846

You deserved it 3 041

By Quiteannoyed - 09/03/2013 10:35 - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 108

You deserved it 2 881

By kjmsit - 16/06/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 639

You deserved it 23 379

By maggieyokoi - 15/06/2015 19:11

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 210

You deserved it 2 241

By for my brother in law - 27/07/2016 07:10 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 763

You deserved it 6 682

By goodgrief - 05/03/2013 05:08 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I parked next to a police officer's car in a bad part of town. When I got out, I saw a bag of pot on the ground between the cop's car and mine. When I pointed it out to him, he insisted it was mine and interrogated me to the point of tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 451

You deserved it 4 924

By Beaky - 12/10/2011 05:09 - Canada

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 096

You deserved it 49 874

By Anonymous - 28/05/2010 23:51 - United States

Today, I went out to eat to celebrate getting over the stomach flu. I hadn't eaten solid food in over a week, so I was really excited and ordered my favorite dish. It gave me food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 812

You deserved it 4 760

By gtrs750 - 09/08/2009 13:48 - Canada

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 126

You deserved it 8 760

By BudmaudeY - 31/03/2011 20:53 - Sweden

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 373

You deserved it 15 796

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Donut_Wizard 23

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 3:58

Step one: grab hair spray. Step two: grab lighter. Step three: look for a new place to live.

julfunky 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 2:45

I think I’d be able to fall back asleep fairly quickly after that — I hear crying your eyes out is very exhausting.

joeyl1990 28

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 2:04

Go back to bed and try again tomorrow.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 2:40

Don’t let Big Coffee about your wake-up procedure. You’ll put ‘em out of business!

julfunky 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 2:45

I think I’d be able to fall back asleep fairly quickly after that — I hear crying your eyes out is very exhausting.

dexter420 21

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 3:12

Thats some stank pee to make a spider loose his grip

Donut_Wizard 23

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 3:58

Step one: grab hair spray. Step two: grab lighter. Step three: look for a new place to live.

Lalala579121 27

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 15:40

Step four:??? Step five: Profit

L'elleBelle 6

Send a private message

Friday 4 May 2018 5:34

You meant "priceless"?

John Nemeth 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 4:05

That sounds so familiar I was just making a web this morning in a bathroom. I was almost done when some sort of mechanism sucked in my web and I fell off. luckily some human was there and I safely landed on them. Then they started screaming! Haven’t you humans seen a spider before?

Chazzster 22

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 4:17

It can be very startling and a bit terrifying if spiders are one of your fears to have one drop on you! I know because I was in a meeting once and a big hairy spider dropped on my chest. Nobody but me saw the spider - but everyone saw me freak out! OP you have my sympathy.

routerere 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 4:29

Sounds like a terrible morning, for you and the spider.

LAUGHINGKOMODO 25

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 May 2018 5:02

If no one heard you scream, were you actually screaming? If anything, the spider is the one who needs sympathy as he didn't try to hurt you. Probably lost his hearing.