Sleep Toots

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

Proactive

My body, my choice

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By fmyarse - 22/7/2012 22:45 - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

6570

48699

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

By fieldmarshalclitter - 1/12/2012 20:21 - United States

9950

28380

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

By Anonymous - 13/1/2019 00:00

3998

165

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

By fiercehawk - 18/2/2014 05:45 - United States - Fort Wayne

60042

5305

Today, I flew home from college to see my parents. Later I found the expensive painting and hand-made necklace I mailed to my mom for mother's day while taking out the trash. FML

By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 20:58 - United States

62567

3112

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 01:31 - United States - Danbury

34136

2878

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

By seethroughpee - 6/5/2015 05:22 - Canada - Edmonton

32170

3948

Today, the guy I've been seeing posted about having relationship problems and arguments with his girl. I've been in the hospital for surgery for the past few days and have been unable to talk to him. Before this, he told me I was the only one. Guess not. FML

By seachelle - 7/5/2019 20:00

1847

119

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

By grem - 13/4/2009 23:27 - United States

34623

69359

Today, I ran into some friends from high school who had just gotten back from college. We were talking about what happened during our sophomore year. When it was my turn to tell them what I had been doing, all I could say was "Well, I started wearing V-Neck t-shirts and they're pretty comfortable." FML

By StayedHome89 - 20/12/2009 06:25 - United States

10678

28096

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

By fuck no - 22/8/2015 10:18 - India - Kollam

27012

7986

Today, I was working as a service writer in an auto service shop. A really cute girl came in to buy a headlight, I offered to install the bulb for her. My hand got stuck behind the headlight, she had to ask one of our mechanics to come remove the air box from her car to get my hand out. FML

By stuck - 17/6/2009 03:42 - United States

28773

10449

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

By auraya1985 - 12/9/2015 21:34 - United Kingdom

28178

1861

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

1580

480

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 15:25

27352

2371

Today, I was having a Christmas Eve party and my sewer got backed up. Everyone had to go home and now I have to wait until Monday to get it fixed. It's a 15-minute drive to the local McDonald's to take a crap. FML

By crappyeve - 25/12/2016 05:10 - United States - Wilmington

7709

Phew, glad it wasn't me

888

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2017 15:31

Modern romance...

1638

8496

Today, I was playing with my cat. I tried to put him on my stomach, but he refused to stay put. Ever since I lost weight, he won't lay with me or purr. I think my fat was the only thing he liked about me. FML

By creedonfied - 6/11/2012 20:27 - United States - Billerica

27200

2950

Today, this guy I was seeing dumped me for "bombarding" him with text messages. I'd sent him one text asking if he was okay, after he stood me up 2 nights in a row. FML

By Ace - 1/4/2016 02:17 - United States - Mount Pleasant

21729

1772

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

By peallow - 12/5/2013 05:01 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

56720

19999

Today, I briefly left my laptop while I went to use the toilet. When I came back, I found "I" had posted on Facebook, calling my mom a "stupid cunt who should just stay in the kitchen." The only other person home at the time was my grandpa. She didn't believe it, and permanently grounded me. FML

By phonesmuggler - 18/4/2013 19:30 - United States

48767

5781

Today, I fell asleep during naptime. I'm the teacher. FML

By yogabbagabba - 3/9/2009 05:05 - United States

20150

38662

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night choking and had to open my bedroom window. No, it wasn’t a gas leak. My husband had a curry last night and his constant farting was so bad I was struggling to breathe. FML

By Carla - 12/11/2017 01:30

3703

411

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

By KayIsKiwi99 - 29/8/2016 19:00 - United States - Houston

7348

16061

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

By Evil_Egbert - 12/2/2009 11:54 - Netherlands

24842

54117

Today, my mom walks into my room, with a serious look on her face asks me "When a man is getting it from behind, the man on top orgasms, but what happens to the man on bottom? Do you think he takes care of himself or what?" Hand motions were included. FML

By Anonymous - 9/6/2009 08:14 - United States

85636

5717

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 10:59 - United Kingdom

44741

3180

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

By beccav23 - 25/10/2011 16:08 - United States

He's got the moves

36205

7452

Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML

By Mary - 10/7/2011 12:49 - United States

43215

6775

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

By Argh - 3/11/2013 20:18 - France - Saivres

51809

9236

Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: $500. I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor $5000. What I got: an angry phone call and a lecture from my boss. What I didn't get: a donation. FML

By zaktor - 8/4/2018 15:00

2172

3431

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2017 23:15 - Croatia - Zagreb

3223

780

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 18:30 - United States - Katy

37827

18418

Today, my girlfriend told me she is only going out with me because I look like the person she really wants to go out with. FML

By AngryBirdman - 22/4/2011 05:53

42143

3653

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

By katta2009 - 29/8/2010 11:29 - United States

36231

2568

Today, I got rear-ended while on my way to work. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't pregnant, suffering from a horrible UTI, and running a fever. My boss called in sick, so now I'm stuck running the office alone. With whiplash. FML

By ReallyNow - 1/9/2011 17:17 - United States

34947

2754

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. As I left his house and began to drive away, I see him chasing after my car barefoot. I stop and roll down the window, ready to listen to the speech he has prepared to win me over with. He takes a moment to catch his breath and says "I want my cellphone back". FML

By DramaQueen - 19/7/2009 06:45 - Canada

12787

62608

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

By reesemaster - 23/11/2010 00:18 - United States

32110

9818

Today, I went to see a movie. After getting my seat, I went out to get food. Coming back, I saw the security guard. Thinking he would ask me for my ticket, I moved all the food to one hand to get the ticket in my pocket. I spilled it all. He didn't ask to see it. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 15:57 - United States

34031

16553

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

By walllflower - 8/2/2015 19:46 - Canada - Saint Catharines

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