Sleep Toots

Today, I received a notice that my boyfriend had given me a rose via Happy Aquarium on Facebook. It came with a date cancellation so that he and his friends could play BioShock. FML

All in the family

Time don't heal nothing

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Fv-day - 14/2/2010 16:32 - United States

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Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 02:18 - United States

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Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML

By missprude666 - 19/1/2012 08:32 - Australia

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Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

By epictothemax - 10/3/2009 20:40 - United States

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Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 08:23 - Canada

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Today, I held the door open for someone and he said, "Thank you!" I said, "Thank you!" back. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2019 15:01 - United States - Pomona

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Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2010 10:00 - Australia

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Today, while doing some spring cleaning, I found the remains of my goldfish, which I was sure my cat ate last year. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2014 23:39 - United States - Erie

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Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 20:00

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

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Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my sister's birthday. It isn't her birthday today, it's mine. FML

By secret - 14/2/2015 14:10 - United States - Ashford

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Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2015 09:11 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

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Today, like any other day I struggled to put my boots on, went to pee and noticed my pants were covered in what looked like a green dust. I touched it, sniffed it, and it smelled utterly horrendous. So I took my boots off again only to find that one of my cats had took a dump in one of them. FML

By anx133 - 15/1/2009 08:05 - China

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Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

By yamuda - 11/5/2016 23:24 - Ireland - Carlow

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

1983

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

By Uhg - 10/3/2019 02:00

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Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

By kennyjhynes - 23/6/2014 13:56 - United States

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Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

By poopooppachuu - 11/10/2011 07:32 - United States

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Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 21:09 - United Kingdom

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Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

By Funyearahead - 8/8/2016 12:44 - United States - Red Bank

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Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

By stupid - 24/11/2014 19:21 - United States - Middleton

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Today, I found that I have a rare side effect to the hydrocodone prescribed after surgery. One pill keeps me up for almost 24 hours. Either I'm in tremendous pain and try to sleep, or I'm not in much pain and stay awake. I can't win. FML

By Doctor! - 5/3/2017 00:00

Dr. House

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Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 20:08 - United States - Clarksville

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Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML

By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 20:20 - United States

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Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

By disboydanielx - 16/11/2018 03:00

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Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML

By acapelladisaster - 13/3/2015 00:39 - United States - Indianapolis

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Today, my son got in trouble at school. The kids had to solve a problem by determining whether it was better for "Edna" to repair or replace her AC unit. He said Edna is an "old person's name" and she was "probably going to die soon anyway", so she shouldn't do either. FML

By MedStudent90 - 11/12/2014 18:10 - United States - Saint Paul

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Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

By sickdisney - 21/5/2012 18:42 - United States - Riverside

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Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2012 23:14 - United States - Phoenix

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Today, my sister surprised me by cleaning my room and doing my laundry. She found my journal, condoms and vibrator and decided to share her findings with my family. Oh yes... she also shrunk half my wardrobe. FML

By tawnaciousd - 10/9/2009 06:35 - United States

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Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

By - 6/2/2020 18:00

Yes or No?

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Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML

By ohtheirony - 22/9/2014 01:27

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Today, I had two 100's and two singles in my wallet. The two 100's was for my electric bill and the two singles were for the bus. Once I got off the bus and to the electric company, I noticed only my singles were there. Turns out I paid the bus driver $200. FML

By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 04:37 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 02:00

Deal or no Deal

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Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

By FartMyLife - 11/8/2016 11:34 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, it's my birthday. I lit my birthday candles on the cake I made myself and blew them out alone, while my worthless husband sat on the couch stuffing Doritos in his face. My present? He sprayed Lysol in the bathroom after he took a dump. FML

By Birthday blues - 13/12/2018 22:00

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Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

By TheKunitzShow14 - 10/8/2011 07:22 - United States

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Today, I dislocated my toe while putting on my socks. FML

By billy - 31/3/2015 10:54 - United States - Wellesley Hills

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Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML

By Activesleeper - 24/9/2017 11:59 - Australia - Flinders

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Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

By Anonymous - 14/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, I visited the hospital with my boyfriend to have an injury checked. When the doctor removed the band-aid, my boyfriend started screaming and passed out. I had to get him out of the room using a wheelchair. The "injury" is a cut in his finger. FML

By tessisue - 4/1/2016 11:18 - Germany

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Today, I dropped my remote behind the bed and went to reach for it. Instead of the remote, I grabbed hold of a rat carcass that must have got in when builders were working in my bathroom several weeks ago. FML

By xxmollyxx - 16/12/2010 11:54 - Sweden

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