Sleep Toots

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 259

You deserved it 32

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 496

You deserved it 134

Sleep Toots

By FML Videos - 15/09/2018 23:59

Is this an episode of Your Mom's House?

I agree, your life sucks 315

You deserved it 80

Stop talking!

Sorry…

And today, on Dr Phil…

25/12/2008 06:07

Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancée: "I don't know what I'd do without you." She replied: "Well, you'd wank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 857

You deserved it 6 201

02/03/2016 23:50

Today, I got written up by HR after my new coworker told them I had an ignorant, offensive caricature of Native American people decorating my desk. It was a framed photograph of an actual Native American tribe that belonged to my history buff grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 249

You deserved it 1 525

20/09/2009 06:06

Today, I went to babysit eight kids under the age of ten, all by myself. After five hours of Hell, the parents finally came back from the ASU game. I got paid $5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 877

You deserved it 7 118

25/04/2014 23:45

Today, I was out drinking with some colleagues, when one started ranting about some pretty sensitive subjects. There were some Latino guys nearby, and as soon as he said "I'm not racist, but..." I tried to casually get the hell out of there. We all got the crap beaten out of us anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 446

You deserved it 6 859

17/10/2012 23:00

Today, I got a phone call from my 6-year-old son's school telling me they were concerned about him as he wouldn't stop barking at the radiator. After talking to my husband about it, I found out he's been teaching him so he could see the look on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 917

You deserved it 2 202

09/08/2010 17:44

Today, I was supposed to take a test, but the professor didn't have it ready because he went to a concert last night. I sold my own tickets to that very concert in order to study for the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 592

You deserved it 4 636

29/08/2009 12:13

Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 469

You deserved it 2 779

29/06/2013 17:18

Today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, when a creepy 50-ish looking guy sat at my table. He asked if I'm into submissive guys, and if I wanted to dominate him. I'm a 17-year-old girl, and am now scared to ever go back there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 709

You deserved it 3 069

01/07/2012 20:01

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to throw pebbles at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. It triggered the burglar alarm, which woke up everyone in the house. If my parents didn't know I had a boyfriend before, they certainly do now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 158

You deserved it 4 767

Communication Breakdown

By loling - 25/02/2010 09:37

Today, I found out a guy I had a thing with a while back thinks I am obsessed with him. This is because when he said that we should be friends, I stupidly thought he was being sincere and bothered to call him all of three times in the last five months. Clearly a sign of obsession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 399

You deserved it 3 845

30/08/2011 03:56

Today, I played a Jazz gig. It rained, making the tent the band performed under heavy with water. When I stepped forward to play my solo, the front end of the tent collapsed under the weight of the rain, drenching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 173

You deserved it 2 553

28/11/2008 08:50

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 395

You deserved it 11 210

24/03/2014 12:39

Today, I ripped my old, worn underwear while trying to pick a wedgie in public. Half ended up in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 263

You deserved it 21 601

13/05/2009 05:11

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 144

You deserved it 5 095

Harsh

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 15:30

Today I opened my own flower shop. My mom's response was, "Get a job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 64

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 23:01

Today, I was in a band with some friends and we got our first gig at a local festival, but I'd already agreed to work serving drinks at the festival. My bandmates got really annoyed and kicked me out of the band. They then went ahead and performed the song that I WROTE, without me, at the festival where i was working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 792

04/11/2010 23:54

Today, my 5 year old son and I went out. As I was looking in the window display of a shop, I turned around to witness my son pooping in an open manhole on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 695

You deserved it 9 546

04/08/2013 00:46

Today, I was at the store with my kids. My 5-year-old son wanted to carry the milk carton, so I let him. He dropped it and it spilled. I was really embarrassed. Then he decided to get on the floor and lick the milk off the ground. Everyone stared at me accusingly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 209

You deserved it 7 259

14/08/2011 17:44

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 740

You deserved it 10 454

14/12/2015 17:21

Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 699

You deserved it 1 684

Kids these days…

By Cindell Hanson - 02/03/2020 05:00

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 661

You deserved it 165

15/07/2016 03:06

Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 595

You deserved it 1 384

12/08/2011 00:49

Today, I finally figured out why my mechanic was so cheap; he wanted to sleep with me. After I politely declined, he charged me regular price plus extra for "humiliating" him. He's 60. I just recently turned 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 525

You deserved it 3 392

29/11/2009 14:18

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people; 17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 003

You deserved it 40 690

19/09/2009 08:17

Today, my boss asked me to take some of the female mannequins and change the outfits. As I was changing them, I realized that this was the most action I've gotten in almost a year. Not only am I twenty-seven, but I'm married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 159

You deserved it 3 660

Cruella

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 14:01

Today, my son was having a hard time mentally, and asked my wife if she loved him as much as she loved her biological children. She straight up told him not to be stupid, because of course she doesn’t love a step-kid as much as she loves her "real kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 368

You deserved it 165

17/01/2011 20:13

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 734

You deserved it 46 704

23/01/2012 22:07

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 332

You deserved it 3 242

20/04/2019 16:00

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 662

You deserved it 3 922

07/08/2013 05:40

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 091

You deserved it 25 680

07/10/2018 17:30

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 835

You deserved it 574

22/04/2009 13:20

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 396

You deserved it 7 561

19/10/2010 04:21

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 288

You deserved it 4 478

10/11/2018 12:00

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 977

You deserved it 414

07/09/2011 05:59

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 683

You deserved it 2 379

Cutting corners

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 06:01

Today, we can finally order badly needed safety gear for my crew. My boss flipped his shit, demanding that I "stop bringing it up, it's annoying" for doing my damndest to keep up with industry standards. I was brought to tears for literally doing my job, with no "peers" to back me, since I'm an HR department of one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 172

You deserved it 61

27/06/2011 23:45

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 415

You deserved it 3 459

No thanks

By Anonymous - 28/03/2021 14:01

Today, it's been since 2014 that I've been looking for a girlfriend, and the average response I've gotten was no. Today I got, "Ew, hell no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 143

20/02/2010 15:05

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 569

You deserved it 2 640

31/01/2011 21:23

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 140

You deserved it 4 803

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

real life problems 26

Send a private message

Sunday 16 September 2018 1:19

How about when she farts in sleep, can a man do that too

adelaine782002 17

Send a private message

Sunday 16 September 2018 7:15

nah...never! haven't you heard, our farts smell like Rose's! 🤣🤣

Comments

real life problems 26

Send a private message

Sunday 16 September 2018 1:19

How about when she farts in sleep, can a man do that too

adelaine782002 17

Send a private message

Sunday 16 September 2018 7:15

nah...never! haven't you heard, our farts smell like Rose's! 🤣🤣