Real Friends

Today, my father-in-law is still introducing me to family friends as his son's girlfriend. I have been married to his son for 5 years, we have a child together and another on the way. FML

All for nothing

The end of the road

This is fine

By Anonymous - 25/6/2016 03:29 - United States - Kansas City

13984

1013

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 13:00

2324

819

Today I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hard-covered textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

By Screamingfirecracker - 15/8/2016 04:12 - Canada

13949

872

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - 11/12/2012 07:15 - United States - San Francisco

35392

3377

Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML

By thats_not_good - 28/5/2009 18:15 - United States

37275

56087

Today, I let a friend cut my hair. I soon went from having a 'fro to looking like I lost a fight with a lawn mower. FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 16:12 - United States - San Francisco

35641

17319

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

By ellisp1 - 4/7/2017 22:10

4099

459

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

By Noname - 26/2/2009 15:30 - United States

85860

474672

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

By mayoshampoo - 1/9/2014 16:59 - Canada - Toronto

42531

4019

Today, my daughter asked me the difference between "their" and "they're". This is the same child I've been spending thousands of dollars on to send to law school. FML

By Anonymous - 26/2/2014 21:42 - United States - Northampton

45599

6323

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

By damnit - 11/9/2010 20:46 - Canada

29908

2561

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

By Ethan - 9/3/2009 13:35 - Australia

28062

94872

Today, I got a letter from the state that I'm being divorced. I've never been married. FML

By Markeesha - 15/7/2018 19:30 - United States - Eaton

What happens in Vegas doesn't stay there?

3745

265

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 20:21 - United States

10364

37542

Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML

By ellesworth - 1/9/2017 23:15

1795

2706

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

By Broke - 28/5/2012 09:38 - Australia - Melbourne

29949

3376

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2018 01:30

3702

321

Today, I emotionally confessed to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat it several times. He ended up telling me no. FML

By ForeverAlone - 9/5/2015 15:53 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

31805

3022

Today, I'm in the hospital for a broken hip and cerebral hemorrhage, bedridden with a continuous headache. My roommate has dementia and shouts and cries all day about a hospital conspiracy where everybody is drinking tea all the time except her. This will be a long month. FML

By Conspiratea - 1/7/2018 19:00

3379

189

Today, I was feeling down about being stuck in bed after ankle surgery. I thought I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know everything went well. He said the obligatory nice things, then told me that if I'm not at work on Monday, I'll be fired. I can't even get out of bed. FML

By clutzasaurus - 3/5/2013 05:35 - United States - Odessa

49608

3418

Today, I saw my dad driving our red Dakota, and I thought it would be funny to tail him around town. It wasn't until I saw cop lights flashing in my rear-view mirror that I remembered that we'd given away our red truck. I'd scared an old lady so badly that she called the police. FML

By Idiot32 - 25/5/2019 02:00

653

2464

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

By scarred_sibling - 15/10/2012 12:10 - United States

Caught red handed

39252

3017

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

By Sir Vom-a-lot - 14/6/2012 16:28 - United Kingdom - West Drayton

33550

6547

Today, it was our wedding anniversary. My husband takes me and our young son to a family-style chain restaurant. Hoping for a little romance, I ask him what he's excited about in our future, and he says how we shouldn't eat out like this anymore so we can afford to pay our income taxes. FML

By frenchfrypotater - 24/9/2009 23:50 - United States

30514

4241

Today, I called my boyfriend to see if he wanted to come over to my house. He said he couldn't because he was out of town. That would have be perfectly acceptable, if I hadn't called him on his house phone. FML

By cmd102 - 20/10/2011 21:18 - United States

40304

3335

Today, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me. Completely crushed, I spent an hour gathering up everything he ever gave me. Then he calls back to say how stupid he was and how he wanted me back. I was ecstatic. An hour later he figured out he was okay with his first decision. FML

By rollercoaster - 25/10/2009 19:19 - United States

44898

4641

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

By Shaun - 16/6/2009 02:13 - United States

88175

6114

Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She's 32 and refuses to believe she's the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 20:08

Cash dispenser

1800

164

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

By MSguy - 27/8/2018 14:30

2601

120

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

By Australian Lifeguard - 22/10/2014 03:18 - United States - Scottsdale

36746

4008

Today, I searched for free parking near my work for 30 minutes, trying to avoid paying $12 at a pay lot. I scored a spot, but 1 mile away from the office. I trekked through rain, cold, and got to work late. It was a long hard day, crawled back to my car, and had a $30 ticket on my windshield. FML

By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:34 - Canada

12317

39182

Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML

By dawg3360 - 7/6/2009 06:02 - Canada

50556

133946

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

By loserface - 23/2/2009 22:50 - United States

20208

36554

Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom passed away when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered, "Women drivers." FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2018 14:30 - United States - Huron

Misogynistic and insensitive. Great.

4791

415

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

By ilovebigmacs - 6/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

22690

3156

Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuck buddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 02:00

Romantic mood

2012

175

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

By anonymous - 29/1/2011 12:41 - Australia

35667

8912

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

By UnicornPancake - 25/4/2018 15:00

3396

377

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2010 23:04 - United States

33397

4338

Today, I witnessed a man masturbate into a public urinal, miss, fart, and then leave without washing his hands. FML

By grossedout - 1/2/2015 23:10 - United States - Newport News

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