Real Friends

Today, after making love to my boyfriend for the first time, he shook my hand and said, "Good job." FML

Instadrama

Cold-blooded old times

Fear factor

By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 22:44 - Canada - Rosetown

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Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

By fourfootnine - 7/3/2011 13:47 - United States

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Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML

By mud - 29/11/2019 05:00 - United States - Raleigh

Slippy!

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Today, my 3-year-old pooped on the floor and blamed it on the dog. How do I know? We don't have a dog. FML

By "smonds13" - 9/8/2017 00:29

Doggone It

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Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML

By "jonnybones223" - 8/3/2019 04:00

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Today, I received a promotional message offering a half-off deal on an expensive coffee maker. The only reason why I received the message is because I bought that same coffee maker yesterday and I signed up to their mailing list. FML

By FFS - 28/5/2015 17:41 - Cyprus - Limassol

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Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

By Niquesha - 23/4/2011 23:56 - United States

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Today, my husband told me that for our anniversary he will be watching the UFC fight, because it is, "one of the biggest events ever and he just can't miss it." Apparently, our one-year wedding anniversary is not as important. To add to it, he said we should watch it together. Very romantic. FML

By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 04:05

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Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML

By WheatiesMan - 15/6/2016 10:52

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Today, I was walking next to this building that was getting renovated, and read a sign that said "Watch out for falling debris at all times." While I was watching out for debris, I fell down a staircase. FML

By Gary - 27/6/2010 04:01 - Canada

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Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

By aqua88 - 5/11/2009 15:26 - Malaysia

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Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML

By baconistasty27 - 1/8/2014 05:33 - United States - San Diego

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Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 19:11 - United States

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Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

By pampa31 - 14/12/2015 17:21 - Mexico - Tijuana

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Today, I got back from vacation and realised I still had the motel key. The key-ring has the address on it, so you can post it back to them. I drove to the postbox and posted the key. I then discovered that the motel key won't start my car. FML

By fmlxxxx - 23/9/2009 13:15 - New Zealand

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Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 04:00 - United States - Houston

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Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

By clairebear104 - 19/9/2014 03:15 - United States - Louisville

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Today, my friends decided it would be funny to yell out "Pass us the bong, Emma!" while I was on the phone to my mother. FML

By UnfortunateGirly - 26/2/2010 08:30 - Australia

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Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 02:08 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

By annababyyyy - 10/11/2014 05:01 - United States - Rockville

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Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

By Where is the faith in Humanity - 7/11/2013 23:08 - United States - Tacoma

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Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

By Hungry - 23/12/2019 01:00

I am hungry

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Today, while on the job as a cop, I was breaking up a loud house party. We were just doing one final check of the house, we walked into the bathroom to find a kid furiously wanking in the bath. This isn't the first time I've seen something like this. FML

By iwantaraise - 14/10/2015 01:55 - Australia

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Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

By Scarlett - 16/2/2013 06:03 - Canada - Barrie

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Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

By Atheist - 22/3/2012 04:56 - United States - Portland

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Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML

By myownperson - 25/10/2011 08:17 - United States

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Today, I found out why my boyfriend likes to do my hair and makeup for me. Far from it being some kind of fetish or hobby, it's because he thinks I do such a crappy job that feels he has to apply it himself so I don't "embarrass" him when we're out in public together. FML

By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 21:01 - Germany - M?hlhausen

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Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

By TheNoseKnows - 16/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Bronx

Fair Warning

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Today, I was riding up an escalator in the mall in uncomfortable high heels. While adjusting my bag I suddenly lost my balance and began flailing wildly. In desperation I hurled forward and ended up grabbing a teenage boy's buttocks and was promptly slapped by his girlfriend. FML

By grabber - 9/8/2009 23:43 - United States

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Today, after almost 2 days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML

By angryinlaws - 12/10/2013 07:23 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

By Customer Stonage Representative - 21/10/2011 12:10 - Canada

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Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

By constantine - 4/2/2009 14:18 - United States

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Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML

By Anonymous - 14/8/2010 16:35 - United Kingdom

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Today, I got punched in the face, had hair ripped out of my skull and broke a tooth on the pavement when I fell. Some guy mistook me for someone else. FML

By Zizi - 4/7/2015 13:18 - Norway - Mosj?en

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Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

By HellisLikeTheDMV - 13/7/2012 15:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

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Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

By kellthryn - 17/3/2020 23:00

Stop! Thief!

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Today, my phone reset, wiping the touch ID on my credit card. I can't remember the password so I'm locked out. I tried 'forgot password', but you need to have the physical card. The card is tucked away in the bank lock box. The key to the lock box is packed in one of the 150 boxes we have prepped to move. FML

By BoCoMoGal - 13/5/2017 04:00

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Today my dog acted out a scene from Disney with me, by causing me and a member of the opposite sex to fall into a river after tangling our legs with the lead. No, it didn't lead to marriage, just me being yelled at. FML

By Annettedarling - 21/4/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

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Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:10 - United States

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Today, my love life is so pathetic that when I got a sample of cologne in the mail, I kept sniffing it just to remind myself what a guy smells like. FML

By so_this_is_me - 13/8/2015 17:12 - Canada - Brampton

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