Pay Day

Today, I got my new work schedule. I really need the hours. The boss says he can't give me more because the economy is bad. However, he did find enough hours to hire his son last week. This week? Most of my hours were erased and given to the new employee; his daughter. FML

Understandable

TMI

Boom, headshot

By suuuucks - United States

31345

2269

Today, I woke up at 10:30 feeling great and saying to myself, "Thank goodness it's the weekend!" I then realized it's Friday and I missed my final. FML

By H05T1L3 - United States

20873

37097

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

By Brittany - United States - Kerrville

7262

56379

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

By scarred_sibling - United States

Caught red handed

39275

3022

Today, it's day three of my dad not shutting up and still complaining about the Super Bowl commercials being "too woke". FML

By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 16:58 - United States

Capitalism, baby!

661

179

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

By Happyunlucky - United States - Andover

61764

3333

Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML

By Fat and Embarrassed - United States - Palmdale

12684

1333

Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

By Peter - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

1831

5149

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

By Thanks Trump - United States - New York

18229

1531

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

By trollbot13 - India - Hyderabad

12909

1257

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

By Anonymous - United States

47178

4414

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

By joi9496

5209

396

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

By Anonymous - United States

38677

5531

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

By Turdfoot - United States - Prosper

33304

4382

Today, at midnight, I heard my son calling for his mom. I stopped by his room and asked him what was wrong? He didn't tell me. Instead, he said: "Oh, I don't need you." FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Just a dream

1782

196

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

By Anonymous - United States

46960

11278

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

By PLU - Canada

32840

5686

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Mixing it up

23758

48686

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

By WhyGod

8641

1039

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

By J - United Kingdom

33033

6838

Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

54067

4850

Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML

By Late

11093

696

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

By Lily - United States

84440

4648

Today, I received my first dick pic from my boyfriend. Problem is, we broke up 3 weeks ago and his next message said, "Oops, sorry, wrong person." FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Thanks, I hate it

877

124

Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML

By dani0810 - Canada - Sudbury

35116

5469

Today, because I have a beach party tomorrow, I used a new gel that is supposed to prevent razor burn after shaving the bikini line. Turns out I'm highly allergic to the gel. Now I have hundreds of beautiful red bumps that look like razor burn. FML

By moncheri1314 - France

26430

4429

Today, I got a mosquito bite under each armpit. FML

By Anonymous

Hey Scratchy!

1407

162

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

By Anonymous - United States

51555

36232

Today, my estranged father died. No one bothered to tell me, and the only reason I found out was because his wife texted my sister. When I asked about the service, I was told I was no welcome in the state he had lived in, because I was no longer family. FML

By SkipBeatOtaku - 29/8/2020 23:02

Harsh

1398

310

Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party; obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML

By KingUrge - United States - Victorville

46307

9672

Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. FML

By OnlyMe - United States

10587

23272

Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML

By Username - United States

37873

7207

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

By OweLotsaMoney - United States

47518

12195

Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML

By Anon - United States

57756

3780

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

By btswc - United States

37959

9639

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML

By maximus - United States

10201

31074

Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML

By S to the HIT - United States

18809

35604

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

By j0natron - United States

8279

54320

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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