Pay Day

Today, I got my first paycheck after getting a new job so I could pay rent. It was only $387.19, even after working overtime. My rent is $515. FML

Rock, hard place

Fashion Police

Doomed

By RejectRaven - 16/5/2019 12:00

Economy, schmeconomy

1839

210

Today, my grandmother called me to tell me that there will be a nice, single guy for me to meet at the family reunion. She went on and on about how perfect he was for me. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'm a lesbian, and have been out to the rest of the family for over six years. FML

By RP Havens - 10/1/2013 06:25 - United States - Galloway

33957

12193

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 16:29 - United States

46828

3915

Today, I was in a shoe store. I picked up a shoe so I could look at it, but when I put it back on the shelf, the whole shelf fell down, making all the shoes fall to the ground. The people behind the counter started clapping. FML

By shoes - 2/1/2010 02:45 - United States

27625

3910

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

By Username - 28/2/2011 16:26

29797

5350

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 18:09 - United States - Victorville

14090

44416

Today, I was driving home and stopped at a light. A cute guy in the truck ahead of me waved me forward and told me to roll down my window. It was the first time a cute guy had talked to me in a while so I was pretty excited. He told me to turn my lights on. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2010 07:04 - United States

23209

10139

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

By embarrassed - 3/1/2010 06:53 - United Kingdom

Question Time

39327

2782

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

By FrOsTy25 - 13/4/2011 22:57

50643

7609

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

By Unknown - 23/12/2014 18:25 - United States - Cincinnati

33566

3007

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

By Dave - 4/10/2012 14:44 - United States

33689

3757

Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML

By screwthewilderness - 4/10/2010 06:46 - United States

30855

3617

Today, my grandfather sent me a bill from when I had to live with him in foster care. I apparently owe him 62k for shampoo, food, etc. FML

By redheadmess - 20/7/2020 02:01

Pay up

1845

Today, it's my first day off in over two months. My colleagues disagree - they won't stop calling me. I'm not allowed to turn my phone off. FML

By Anonymous - 12/9/2019 06:00 - New Zealand

The Terror

1494

110

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 05:27 - United States - Dearborn

37865

5033

Today, I was driving down the road when a dog suddenly runs across the street. In attempt to spare its life, I swerved to the side of the road and rear-ended another car. The car I hit belonged the family that owned the dog. Now I have to pay them because I saved their dog's life. FML

By JC - 19/10/2009 06:40 - United States

39217

5918

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML

By leeceetaylor99 - 15/7/2013 16:47 - United States - San Antonio

55731

3857

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 02:35 - United States - Mascotte

21483

1781

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 20:03 - United States - Chula Vista

36716

4881

Today, I did my old "toe-touch" cheerleading move to try to impress my 5-year-old daughter. When I landed, I broke my toe. FML

By cheerymama - 23/1/2012 00:49 - United States

11882

26013

Today, I went ice skating for my friend's birthday. We had to vacate the skating rink so that they could smooth out the rink for the next session. I don't know how to skate and my friends left me. Not only was I the last one out of the rink, but I had to crawl my way out with everyone laughing. FML

By elmangy - 11/8/2009 16:58 - United States

44696

5947

Today, I accidentally farted while on my flight home. It was silent but so deadly that several people were visibly distressed. The overweight guy sitting next to me got a bunch of dirty glares. I was too ashamed to own up to it. FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 13:34 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

19588

7153

Today, my grandfather called me for the first time since lockdown. Just like the last 3 times we spoke, he tried to pressure me into learning to drive, despite my making it clear that it absolutely terrifies me. He won't stop asking. FML

By Vehophobic - 21/9/2020 07:05 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Not a car person

767

610

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

By ryanlogan - 31/8/2011 06:31 - Canada

37552

5683

Today, as I was laying on the bottom part of my bunk bed, I noticed a beam on the underside of the top bunk that seemed to have no place being there, so I tried to find out what it was. I soon discovered it was to support the bed after it promptly collapsed on me. FML

By CallmeTokey - 12/7/2016 03:21

6613

15132

Today, I found out the hard way that if you spontaneously begin to lose weight, you may have cancer, not an increased metabolism. FML

By BX - 17/10/2015 12:09 - Netherlands

37906

1787

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

By ugh - 24/5/2015 19:53 - United States - Dearborn

32901

5065

Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML

By hobosarea-holes - 14/8/2010 23:10 - United States

31129

3741

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

By Yippie - 2/5/2017 22:00 - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

4726

685

Today, I realized there’s no point in maintaining a friendship of 20 years. I stopped texting my friend three weeks ago and he never noticed. I texted him daily for at least the past ten years. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 17:03

That ship has sailed

1381

216

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

By Jamie - 20/9/2013 00:47 - United States - Newport News

49181

13854

Today, I was giving a PowerPoint presentation in class. When I put my flash drive into the computer, my folder opened up and a nude picture of myself popped right up on a 110 inch projector screen for all 35 students to see. This is a 16 week course. FML

By jaymash - 22/10/2011 13:25 - United States

17423

64213

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:25 - Germany - Herford

30906

5126

Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

By sleepy - 1/7/2019 02:10

1507

154

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

By allgrowedup - 12/2/2011 03:10 - United States

41260

5476

Today, a guy I like asked me to a dance. Trying to act modest and at the same time compliment him, I told him, "You could do so much better, though." After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You're right, I could. Never mind," and walked away. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2014 00:39 - United States - Salem

31367

60776

Today, I called my mother to say hi. She spent a whole hour and a half complaining about how I never call her, bawling and calling me "a waste of human flesh." I call her at least once a week. FML

By Mike - 11/9/2019 04:01 - United States - Burlington

Drama Llama

1366

109

Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 21:29 - United States - Augusta

29546

9309

Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML

By Krissy. - 31/3/2009 07:04 - United States

75605

4962