Pay Day

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

Work name

Nice neighborhood

Assumptions

By lovinglife - 24/12/2011 12:51 - United Kingdom

30462

6290

Today, I should have given my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by and now I'm on my own. FML

By christous - 22/11/2008 04:42 - France

31397

4939

Today, my coworker brought her 3-year-old son to work with her. When introducing him to me, she dropped her bag and bent over to pick it up, knocking him over with her butt in the process. When she stood up, she noticed he was sitting on the ground crying. She then accused me of pushing him over. FML

By Notakidpusher - 24/11/2015 03:34 - United States - San Francisco

24981

1408

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

By faye - 14/2/2009 18:43 - United States

38957

5965

Today, I realized just how spoiled and immature my boyfriend is when I asked him several times what he’d like for dinner. Getting no answer, I made steak, potatoes and salad. He then sulked and refused to eat it, since he wanted spaghetti and meatballs instead. FML

By mama’s boy - 31/10/2019 00:01

Chuck E. Cheese awaits

2063

366

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

By Nearis - 16/2/2011 01:13 - United States

33758

2754

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

By Jen - 26/11/2018 07:30 - United States - Philadelphia

2318

247

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

By barface - 11/1/2012 02:52 - United States

37713

2790

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 15:25 - United States

41334

21439

Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML

By nukebroadcast - 16/12/2010 06:32 - United States

30195

5980

Today, it was my wedding day. Everything went great, except that no one showed up. Apparently, the address of the invitation was typed wrong. FML

By notmarriedyet - 1/10/2009 13:28 - United States

40686

16888

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML

By Anonymous - 8/4/2009 00:11 - United States

93957

243299

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

By tumblrinas_at_work - 2/5/2015 08:04 - United States - Woodland Hills

30631

2939

Today, I recieved a message on MySpace from a cute guy I've been talking to for a while. It read, "I saw a girl in Old Navy at the mall last night that looked a lot like you, but she was much fatter." I was in Old Navy at the mall last night. FML

By girlthatstoofat - 29/10/2009 17:28 - United States

37182

6850

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 16:02 - United States - South Bend

34268

6021

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

By imobesejk - 17/7/2011 00:19 - United States

38082

2799

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

By Anonymous - 5/4/2016 20:13 - Czech Republic - Prague

20076

2356

Today, as I got on the bus to commute to work, its front right tire exploded. Everyone, including the driver, glared at me while getting off. The next bus arrives in 2 hours. FML

By severely late.... again! - 26/10/2017 22:56

2848

246

Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML

By sadphonegirl - 16/6/2012 13:44 - Canada - Brampton

17089

24689

Today, I psyched myself up and headed out to a really promising job interview. I was sure I was going to nail it and get my first job. That is, until a bird shat on my head on my way there. Thank you so very much, universe. FML

By sadlrana121 - 10/1/2015 22:46 - United Kingdom - London

32169

2485

Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, "Merry Christmas! It's me not you." FML

By C45 - 25/12/2009 20:27 - Canada

35469

2572

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML

By me - 30/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

40832

8747

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

By bubbles - 12/10/2009 05:36 - United States

14947

55539

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

By WickedRene - 2/8/2014 01:57 - United States - Rochester

48808

8186

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back. FML

By fuckmee - 1/8/2017 05:00

1531

20225

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

By Superdumb - 26/11/2018 03:00

1637

4789

Today, I found out I have dandruff when a chick passed by and said out loud to her friends: "That dude's hair is having an early Xmas!" FML

By Dandruff - 24/5/2010 16:14 - France

28104

6648

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

By Matt - 28/4/2012 18:28 - United Kingdom - London

19237

15615

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

By Dirty_Mind_69 - 20/7/2013 08:35 - United States - Shreveport

58076

9866

Today, I was told to be at a job site bright and early. I woke up and pounded several body smashing drinks to get going. They then called to tell me work was canceled due to weather. It's 0600. I can’t get back to sleep. FML

By ButNotBed - 4/11/2018 13:30

2292

790

Today, my boyfriend and I slept together. In the middle of the night, he saw my phone receiving a text from someone saying "Hey baby, I missed you so much! I'm going to be visiting in a couple of days, hope to see you again, I love you!". He got mad and left my house. It was my dad from Ohio. FML

By fmlfmlfml - 20/7/2009 16:03 - United States

53229

4823

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

By Alliente - 17/7/2012 21:11 - United States

28964

3794

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

By Username - 25/1/2010 11:06 - France

29030

10248

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

By sissydlk - 2/12/2010 15:54 - United States

40047

10313

Today, I overheard this girl I don't really know say that she had cramps. Trying to be helpful, I turned round and told her she should stretch out where she had them. She then asked how the fuck she was supposed to stretch her ovaries. FML

By thegoalie - 16/9/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Yoga for Dummies

586

2172

Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML

By Eheath12Jheath14 - 12/7/2018 01:30

4169

462

Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

By sexisdead - 31/7/2016 17:16

16876

1850

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

By cagel - 13/12/2009 10:12 - United States

34623

2753

Today, I was suspended for "selling drugs on campus". I was trying to give the school nurse approved medication for my severe epilepsy. I'm suspended for 3 weeks and have to go to a drug seminar. FML

By why - 20/1/2018 15:00

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