By cfails - 2/4/2020 14:00

Our house, in the middle of our lockdown!

Today, I found out the house I want to buy is being re-listed, because I can't have an open house to get people to see and buy my current house, because no one can go out in the this fucking quarantine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1576

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Family values

Oh, hai!

Assumptions

By anon - 31/3/2016 01:09 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16947

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2091

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By El Stupido - 12/6/2011 13:51 - Australia

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14143

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58286

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By Not-so-sexy - 4/12/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I tried to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. I took a close up picture of my face, and, trying to be sexy, had my naked body reflected on a mirror in the background. First thing he says: "Who the hell is that guy in the background?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25157

You deserved it

6793

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By Distrusting - 4/12/2018 17:30

Today, I have gastro. I sent a text my husband: “It’s definitely a don’t trust a fart day, thankfully haven’t been caught out yet”, but accidentally text my manager instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2155

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851

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By insignificant - 29/10/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I was getting on a bus, the driver shut the door on me while I was half way inside. Instead of apologizing to me, he criticized me for getting in the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32814

You deserved it

3324

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By addicted2v - 21/1/2012 13:25 - United States

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44748

You deserved it

4115

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

I agree, your life sucks

68376

You deserved it

15332

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By DBZ - 20/2/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25573

You deserved it

7497

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By asthmasucks - 19/9/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, due to the heat, I had a deadly asthma attack. Where was my inhaler? My dad pawned it for beer money. What did my dad do about my attack? Told me to quit being a Drama Queen. I had to go across the street and beg for a ride to the ER from my neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65018

You deserved it

3571

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By anamota89 - 11/5/2012 09:33 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I had to fart really badly, so thinking that he wouldn't hear me, I did so. He heard me and asked, "Did you fart?" I said "No, it was my dog." I don't have a dog, and he knows this. FML

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8280

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 14:06

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1791

You deserved it

120

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By f*ck - 6/3/2015 17:41 - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25659

You deserved it

19603

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By dessy - 9/5/2016 21:37 - United States - San Diego

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick up a few things from the store for him while he was at work. After picking up everything he asked for, I wasn't left with much money so I used $50 from my account. When he got home he then grumbled about me spending all of "his" money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12697

You deserved it

1005

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By Username - 29/10/2010 23:15 - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34488

You deserved it

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By bern5555 - 13/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34363

You deserved it

3172

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By 1.30am - 10/2/2012 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by text at 1:30 am because he didn't want to give me "the dread of answering a phone call." When I asked him for an explanation, his reply was, "For what?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

27545

You deserved it

2665

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2012 17:02 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I got my laptop back after waiting weeks for it to be fixed. It turns out that they didn't fix it; they dusted it off, held it for a few days, and sent it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25578

You deserved it

1913

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By jacobscrackers - 1/8/2010 18:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47786

You deserved it

5847

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 12:12 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30708

You deserved it

3710

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By stoggie96 - 22/4/2012 15:34 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21483

You deserved it

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By STFU! - 3/4/2020 17:00

Caught the bug

Today, my girlfriend has been randomly screaming out, “Coronavirus! Hehehe!” in a scarily accurate Cardi B impression. She’s been doing it for days and refuses to stop. I’m starting to think facing the damn virus might be less annoying at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1637

You deserved it

194

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2012 01:06 - Canada

Today, I watched "The Vow" with my girlfriend. When the movie ended, we walked out to the theatre's lobby, and I heard her mutter, "I deserve a guy like him." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34496

You deserved it

10283

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By charlie043 - 11/9/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12781

You deserved it

41773

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By damn... - 28/10/2008 08:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a job conference. At lunch, I saw this stunning guy. At dessert time, I coughed so much that the piece of chocolate cake in my mouth went straight onto his glasses. I think it's too late to introduce myself now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34598

You deserved it

6183

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By notgoodenough38 - 27/12/2010 22:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49489

You deserved it

3848

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By Noname - 17/1/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11703

You deserved it

39153

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By Sad preggo - 24/1/2017 14:00

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7568

You deserved it

721

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By sexyhobbit - 12/7/2014 00:26 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I confided to my boyfriend that I have a condition that causes me to grow thick toe hair. He now won't stop calling me "the sexy Hobbit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45670

You deserved it

7292

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27608

You deserved it

5647

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By vballqt201 - 21/6/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, "MOOOO". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40307

You deserved it

17227

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By killmenow - 23/4/2014 14:54 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38719

You deserved it

14286

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2016 01:19 - Canada - Canal Flats

Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom where I work and crawled under the doors. I then had to crawl around on the bathroom floor in order to unlock the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17302

You deserved it

1265

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By caughttt - 10/2/2010 02:52 - United States

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11137

You deserved it

42772

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By Jesus - 27/9/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19205

You deserved it

31784

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By geeb - 23/2/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9540

You deserved it

36337

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By noluckwhatsoever - 6/1/2010 16:44 - United States

Today, after months of job hunting, I got a call back for a position. I was outside at the time and had no pen or paper available to write the address down. I told the guy to call me back in 5 minutes and he agreed. It's been 3 hours and still no call. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13954

You deserved it

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By cpmagnusox - 17/3/2020 08:30

Sharing is caring

Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

731

You deserved it

1122

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By Creep - 28/3/2009 00:24 - Canada

Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

18279

You deserved it

149002

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By soldier - 6/5/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I was running late for work. To save time, I grabbed my belt on my way out the door and was putting it on in the elevator, which stopped at the next floor before I had put my belt all the way on. A hot girl stepped into the elevator, looked at my undone belt, screamed "Ew" and got off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43512

You deserved it

10457

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By -- - 4/9/2011 16:42 - Canada

Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML

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37472

You deserved it

3038

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Top comments

By DKING123456789 | 16

#7894501 - Thursday 2 April 2020 20:30

You know the F in FML literally means fuck, right?

By spinspinsugar | 6

#7894529 - Thursday 2 April 2020 21:24

yet I work for a moving company and I'm still considered essential. figure that shit out

Comments

By drego5 | 28

#7894407 - Thursday 2 April 2020 16:10

Try an iBuyer. In certain markets, there's Opendoor, OfferPad.. but about everywhere else there's all the signs on street corners "We buy houses! We pay cash!" and the like.