Ouch

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

Understandable

Out of it

Triage

By BadBreath - United States

71555

9361

Today, I was teaching a new student their first ever piano lesson, hoping that they would sign up for more lessons. Thirty minutes had gone by and after the 5th time of me saying what a talented, sweet little girl she was, the mother told me it was in fact a boy. They didn't sign up. FML

By Charley

9803

2997

Today my mother, who was once shocked to realise that my older sister was having unmarried sex, told me to go and 'get some' because it's good for my health. I'm asexual. FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2020 15:02 - Estonia

I don't wanna

995

302

Today, I realized it is now considered normal and routine that my boyfriend wets the bed after a night of drinking. FML

By Casey - United States

28835

4880

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

By Brody89 - United States - Vancouver

73458

37292

Today, I called off work saying my Great Grandmother died. A co-worker texted me later asking where and when the funeral was. I made up a lie and said some random funeral home and date. My co-workers sent flowers to the funeral home for condolences. The flowers were returned. FML

By Whatever01 - United States

8187

93860

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

By Failed Parent - United States

27812

4614

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

By Anonymous - United States

57549

4086

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

By xnickx - United States

22626

58744

Today, I attended an elderly patient's funeral. He died of a heart attack after his daughter, as his carer, stopped all of his meds in favour of a half-cup of garlic a day. Apparently she'd "read an article" about the healing power of garlic, which trumped my 6-year degree. FML

By Saddoc - Australia - Dalkeith

54156

2957

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

By Knittedbirch

11588

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1659

Today, I got back to work. Last week, my divorce was finalized and my last name is, once again, my maiden name. Since I'm a teacher, all my students will remember me by my ex-husband's last name. I get to be reminded every day that my marriage failed until everyone memorizes my maiden name. FML

By divorcee - Canada - Saint Albert

27987

4056

Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

50481

3956

Today, I finally told my boyfriend I have a medical condition that makes me grow an unusual amount of hair on my face, so I shave every day. He said he was leaving me because he refuses to be with a "bearded lady". FML

By Foxy0706 - United States - Baton Rouge

29026

2390

Today, in a public toilet, I got to experience a guy high out of his mind kicking in my locked stall door and puking all over me. FML

By not a shitty situation so fuck you - United States - San Francisco

13729

755

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

By JimiHendrix - France - Luynes

28889

7330

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

By Anonymous - United States

12278

4457

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

By unloved - United States

42254

6818

Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML

By Alaska fire - United States - Eagle River

11118

1075

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, which had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

By Lentil - Australia

26207

3830

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

By mydadforgetsme - United States - Philadelphia

23581

1446

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

By Anonymous - United States - Hackensack

52128

18898

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

By Jules - United States

37989

4810

Today, just 8 months away from graduating medical school, I successfully diagnosed myself with basal cell carcinoma. At least all that studying is paying off. FML

By MDpending - United States

Physician, heal thyself

2310

119

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

By Sadboy - United States

44507

7177

Today, my psycho ex crashed a date with my girlfriend. She acted like we were still together and made a big show of dumping me for cheating on her. My actual girlfriend bought it hook line and sinker. Now I'm single again. FML

By single - United States - Houston

29629

1986

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

By Anonymous - United States

28581

6723

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

By Anonymous

35545

18335

Today, I proposed to the girl I have known for a while, since our Dads have worked together for 40 years. After I rang my Dad to tell him the good news, he told me that there was a position open at work, which had belonged to her Dad. My Dad had to fire him. FML

By Dom

1844

108

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

By Katie - United States

36563

2795

Today, the guy I've been seeing told me he did not want to pursue a relationship with me after over 2 months of talking. He did the exact same thing to me 7 years ago. I fell for him twice. FML

By rkaneki

Twice error

1601

1336

Today, I summoned the courage to talk to my friends about the money they owe me for my photography services at their wedding. We had agreed on a fair price, but now they're pissed, claiming that I'm being selfish and should consider it my wedding gift to them. FML

By cheese - United States - Sun Prairie

49260

5444

Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML

By thats what my ipod is for - United States

45350

3126

Today, I was going to my first job interview since I was laid off. About 10 yards from the door, I felt a sharp pain in my side and something in my pocket. It turned out to be a knife in my side, and a mugger robbing me because I looked rich. I haven't had any money in months, and missed the interview. FML

By Anonymous - United States

51258

2864

Today, I woke up with a fever, headache and sore throat. All the symptoms of Covid-19. I told my husband, whose responded with, "Sack up and get over yourself." FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 23:58 - Antigua and Barbuda - Saint John's

Caring

829

146

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

23357

4981

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

By Anonymous - United States

63241

21947

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Orangeville

22735

15846

Today, I got a new smart phone and wanted to surprise my girlfriend with a naughty picture with it. A few minutes after sending it, I got a reply back from my girlfriend. And my best friend. And my sister. And everyone on my contacts list. FML

By smart phone mms - United States

10952

47454

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

By maggu - Denmark

31085

7381