Ouch

Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML

Noise

What did I do?

The Summoner

By notsohappilyeverafter - 26/11/2011 21:54 - United States

75022

3737

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

By Labro9 - 23/10/2016 08:20

9432

647

Today, I was leading a wheelchair fundraiser to raise money to make public areas wheelchair accessible. I had several guest speakers, all of which were confined to wheelchairs. About ten minutes after the fundraiser was supposed to begin, I realized that the stage was wheelchair incompatible. FML

By hated - 26/3/2009 17:40 - United States

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77424

Today, I wanted to try seducing my boyfriend by having nothing but a t-shirt on for when he'd get back from work. He came home, saw me, apologized bashfully for failing to knock first, and went back outside. FML

By oops - 27/3/2014 23:10 - United States - San Francisco

48011

7097

Today, my son gave me a bottle of shampoo for my birthday. I'm as bald as a coot. FML

By Bald - 21/10/2014 15:41 - Turkey - Istanbul

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3445

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

By ArtistBlock - 25/11/2016 05:10

9345

6066

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2015 16:29 - United States - Katy

36741

2690

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

By Anonymous - 18/3/2016 20:56 - United States

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Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

By recmonty - 17/5/2012 03:53 - Canada - Saskatoon

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2068

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

By what sex life? - 2/8/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

17112

2843

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

By Ugh - 14/6/2016 20:41 - New Zealand - Auckland

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1024

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 20:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

1677

132

Today, I decided I wanted to bleach my hair, so I asked my mother for help. Apparently, something went wrong, because clumps of my hair started falling out. Now I'm half blonde and half bald, and my mom is just laughing at me. FML

By notquitejuliet - 4/7/2015 00:54 - United States - Gibsonia

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Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML

By Anon - 15/5/2015 13:58 - United States - Lakeville

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4036

Today, I was pulled over by the police. The cop was my ex-boyfriend. He had no legitimate reason to pull me over, so he thoroughly checked my car. He gave me a defect notice and a fine. What for? A broken door lock, on my rear passenger door. FML

By jkass - 7/10/2011 15:07 - Australia

36269

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Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

By SheWentCrayola - 17/10/2009 02:04 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

By anonymous - 25/10/2010 21:02 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend of 3 years announced that he is not ready for marriage, and won’t be for 'at least' another 2 years. Of course he waited to tell me this 2 days after he had proposed to me in front of hundreds of people, I said yes, and we announced it to all our family members and friends. FML

By Agata - 21/12/2009 16:15 - United States

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Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 19:45 - United States - Piscataway

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3414

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

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Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

By Maria - 20/8/2012 13:25 - Estonia - Tallinn

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Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

By cardsftw - 16/8/2012 19:50 - United States - Compton

36054

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Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2013 00:04 - United States - Reno

55225

4376

Today, a customer at the Walmart I work at had a hissy fit and began throwing merchandise everywhere, including at my face, because we are Canadian and don't have a show called "Extreme Couponing" for "devoted shoppers" like her. FML

By ohgodwhy - 27/11/2012 23:46 - Canada - Brampton

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1794

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 00:20 - Canada - Gatineau

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Today, I got a new smart phone and wanted to surprise my girlfriend with a naughty picture with it. A few minutes after sending it, I got a reply back from my girlfriend. And my best friend. And my sister. And everyone on my contacts list. FML

By smart phone mms - 7/12/2009 06:36 - United States

10948

47440

Today, I walked outside to see my boyfriend standing on my porch, looking confused. He explained to me that he had attached a prom proposal note to his pet rabbit, and let it inside my house to find me. We went looking for said rabbit, and found my dog halfway through eating it. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2014 22:49 - United States - Belmont

58167

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Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML

By anonymous - 11/2/2012 05:57 - Canada

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Today, after my partner of two years broke up with me, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mother about it. Her advice was to clean the house. I asked how that would make me feel better. She said that she wasn't sure, but at least the house would be clean. FML

By Loveless - 23/8/2009 00:43 - United States

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Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

By TappedAnts - 8/4/2016 01:45 - United States - Seabrook

18993

1310

Today, I went to see my mother with my kids. Before, I had told my son to give her hugs and kisses and I would buy him candy. He did, but then he told her that I said that. FML

By laughxlove - 23/8/2010 04:03 - United States

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Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML

By whattheshit - 26/11/2009 14:19 - United States

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Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

By squizzlebee - 24/2/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - York

6396

668

Today, my mom told me I was worthless and could not do anything by myself. Determined to prove her wrong I attempted to install the AC that I had neglected to put in for the past month. While placing it on the window it fell through landing on her prized roses and breaking into pieces. FML

By Anonymous - 3/6/2009 04:55 - United States

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Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 11:38 - United States - Salem

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Today, I had a giant Scantron test. After putting 10 answers, I noticed every single answer was A. I got freaked out and started putting random answers. Turns out every answer on the test was A. I failed. FML

By FireoftheFuture - 2/5/2013 11:02 - United States

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Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

By Extended_desktop - 11/9/2011 17:53 - Poland

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Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML

By *facefloor* - 24/7/2012 20:08 - United States

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Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

By Frank - 17/8/2011 06:50 - United States

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Today, I discovered that not only is my live-in mother-in-law a fan of Lady Gaga, she dances around the house naked to fully embrace the music. FML

By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 16:25 - United States

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