MMA Struggles

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

Fashion Police

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Buzzing the tower

By Badday - 25/10/2009 04:38 - Canada

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Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML

By American idol - 6/4/2011 06:19

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Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2016 07:26 - United States - Blair

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Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2016 03:22 - United States - Detroit

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Today, my family got into a massive argument about whether or not battery-operated toothbrushes are considered electric toothbrushes. Everyone is in their own room and refuses to talk to each other. FML

By thechaos - 15/12/2014 22:24 - United States - Pittsfield

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Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

By wow - 15/4/2013 18:36 - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

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Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 20:00 - United States - Burlington

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Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

By treats - 2/11/2010 07:13 - Singapore

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Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

By theshad - 10/9/2010 06:28 - Reserved

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Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn't find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML

By penny-dropping - 16/4/2012 04:24 - United States

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Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

By make america date again - 10/2/2016 17:49 - United States - Blacklick

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Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

By karmasabitch - 17/5/2009 20:16 - United States

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Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2011 12:55 - United States

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Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

By bad_luck - 31/12/2011 15:51 - United States

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Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML

By Anonymous - 27/1/2012 22:03 - United States

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Today, my brother robbed someone. The victim spoke with me and said that if his $1500 was paid back, he wouldn’t press charges. After I gave him the money, I questioned my brother until he admitted doing it. He only took $200. FML

By Buggy - 12/12/2017 18:30 - United States - Atmore

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Today, I met an old friend, with whom I have a complicated history and we hooked up. He came before we even started. In his sleep, he pushed me out of the bed. When I woke up, he had peed himself in his sleep. Glad I let that ship sail. FML

By CC - 11/10/2011 14:51 - Sweden

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Today, I was fired. For "lack of attention to details", specifically spelling errors. My now ex-boss misspelled the name of his own company on my severance agreement. FML

By JadeC - 1/12/2011 18:55 - United States

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Today, I had to ask one of my coworkers if we were supposed to return a client's teeth to her. I work at a jewellery store. FML

By grossedout - 22/5/2015 15:02 - United States - Indianapolis

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Today, while hiking and wearing sandals, I stubbed my toe. This wouldn't have been so bad had it not been into a cactus with 3 inch thorns. FML

By Anon - 24/3/2012 02:42 - United States

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Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

By Rothaar - 26/1/2009 22:19 - United States

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Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 00:01 - United States - New York

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Today, I was eating nacho chips with my nieces when I started to feel that some were wet. I look at my niece and notice she was sucking on the chips, and putting them back in the bag. FML

By Aliya - 1/3/2009 14:14 - United States

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Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 05:14 - United States - Asheboro

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Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

By defrauded - 8/3/2013 18:44 - United Kingdom - Oban

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Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 19:00 - United States

Landlords are scum

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Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

By Loner - 19/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

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Today, I was trying to find my first message on Facebook. When I was reaching the bottom, I saw a message from my old crush. It contained a paragraph confessing her love for me and asking me to write back. Don't know how I missed that one. FML

By lostlove - 1/10/2011 02:57 - United States

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Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

By Anonymous - 1/2/2012 01:11 - United States

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Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML

By goodbye sweet internet - 6/7/2013 18:23 - Greece - Athens

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Today, I told my boyfriend of nine months that depression runs in my family and I think the reason I've been flipping shit so much lately may be that I am depressed. Not five minutes later he decided a break would be "the best thing for us right now." FML

By Guess - 21/11/2009 19:10 - United States

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Today, I walked into an exam after having stayed up 20 straight hours studying. The professor looked at me and muttered, "Don't bother, I'm failing you either way." FML

By Tired - 20/3/2013 20:26 - United States

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Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML

By notadoorman - 25/7/2014 18:16 - United States - Elmont

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Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 06:54 - United States

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Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML

By disgusting - 4/2/2009 16:51 - United States

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Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2009 14:55 - United States

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Today, I was once again escorted out of a supermarket by a police officer. I must be the only 83-year-old who still has his marbles, but people always assume I am senile and wandering from a care center. FML

By Toodamnold - 13/2/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

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Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

By fuckthat - 18/2/2009 05:08 - United States

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Today, my partner, our 5-month-old baby and I had to go to A&E because my idiot boyfriend mistook dishwasher rinse aid for cooking oil, and cooked a meal for us in it. As I'm breastfeeding, even our baby needed blood tests. FML

By Anna - 25/7/2020 05:10

Masterchef

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206

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

By lowly101 - 9/8/2016 19:15

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