MMA Struggles

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

There's no helping some people

Time for the ER

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

59611

9779

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36575

2760

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

By adogg18 - United States

35184

15364

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

By mog - United States

Office embarrassment

1334

833

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

By Vampprobs - United States - Skandia

42034

3204

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

By Lizzy

11902

2658

Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML

By sisterly love - United States - Santa Clara

50096

4135

Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML

By Anonymous - United States

60892

12243

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36532

2815

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

By nikki - United States

26906

11067

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

28691

2535

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from "SpongeBob" with large letters spelling "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

By squidwardpotatoes - United States

32164

3242

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

By birthdaygirl - United States

60016

15104

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

By Brony - United States

13519

43284

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

By notsoclean - United States

45280

3669

Today, my mom baked a cake for the whole family. One spent EpiPen later, I found out there were nuts in it, which I'm severely allergic to. My mom's defense was that she thought I'd have "gotten over" my allergy by now. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Blain

50268

3101

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

By galen - United States

64862

27639

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southam

23139

2104

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

By kentrm - United States - Atlanta

10932

1407

Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML

By 86145 - United States

33523

5646

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

By koolkat9 - United States - Albion

40923

3277

Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML

By Anonymous - Iceland - Reykjav

50662

5770

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

11984

46025

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

By w_t_f - United States

63036

5253

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

By noname - United States

45201

6020

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

By Sleepy head - United States

55604

14969

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

By illenram06 - Philippines

48672

6675

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

By anon - United States - Dallas

34172

10399

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had the reverse lights on. I thought to myself "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

By jezusflowers - United States

53785

5092

Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML

By iamScaredyCat - 3/4/2020 20:00

Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment

772

1512

Today, I was sitting in on a boring presentation at work. I yawned and shifted in my chair, accidentally sitting on my testicles. I shrieked in pain and spent the next five minutes choking back tears, while my boss told me to shut my mouth and stop fucking around. FML

By kevcng - United States

24648

7956

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

By Camm. - United States

38332

2001

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

By waterlogged - United States

24844

2594

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

By baby_trex_arms - United States - San Francisco

40249

5673

Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

By Anonymous - United States

44241

2816

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

By drunkluv - Australia

34954

4161

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29344

3500

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

By fatty - Germany

23660

49792

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

By lostforwords - Ireland

27978

6268

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

By Anonymous - United States

39573

6956