Instagram Fail

Today, while giving a speech at work, I started sneezing. After what seemed to be the last sneeze, I went on talking. Apparently it wasn't, and I blew out my eardrum. FML

Peaky Bladders

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Basic Instinct

By SoSoRachel - 31/10/2012 21:03 - United States - Dunlap

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1859

Today, my girlfriend tried to get me to wear curly wig, so I could pretend to be Harry Styles in bed. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 16:34 - United States - Washington

Pretend

54565

6920

Today, I was so lonely that I had a conversation with myself on my way home. It was only when I reached my apartment complex that I discovered that my neighbour had been walking behind me, laughing to himself the whole way. FML

By unfortunate - 25/4/2012 04:50 - Sweden

22983

10398

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

By Dulieu - 10/2/2009 00:41 - United States

16198

167929

Today, my family was discussing the new rules of the house we are moving in. They told my sister she couldn't have any boys in her room. They didn't tell me I couldn't have any girls in my room. Even my parents think I can't get a girlfriend. FML

By FML1994 - 14/6/2009 17:20 - United States

44165

4956

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

By hcditfi5foygy - 23/9/2018 13:30

2334

127

Today, I bought a $300 gym membership that gives me access to the company's non-premium gyms. The non-premium gyms are all closed due to construction, because they're being turned into premium gyms. FML

By juanjohnfml - 11/8/2011 08:17 - United States

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Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 17:35 - United States - Winter Springs

43500

5947

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

By cduran2011 - 14/10/2011 15:23 - United States

38442

12282

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

By squirrels69ing - 22/5/2011 01:00 - United States

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6205

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

By cactii - 16/2/2015 20:43 - United States

35335

14355

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

By Enanimus - 25/9/2015 18:45 - United States - Mountain View

26534

2958

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

By krfenton8 - 11/1/2016 06:49

25467

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Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

By sad_dad - 24/10/2009 17:35 - Canada

39892

10186

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

By giantsfan2010 - 23/9/2010 04:31 - United States

18461

28528

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

By Anon - 13/6/2009 05:17 - United States

47427

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Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

By JDLAX1924 - 5/8/2010 23:24 - United States

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Today, I went to a bar with my best friend, and some guys came up to us and started flirting with her and offering her a drink. I felt a bit left out and started joking that "I'm thirsty too". One guy looked at me, cringed and said, "No, I don't buy drinks for weird girls." FML

By notgoth - 27/7/2014 22:17 - Netherlands - Rijen

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8341

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

By f my lifw - 7/4/2015 15:43 - United States - King Of Prussia

37143

2996

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

By Ben - 25/1/2010 03:31 - United States

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Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

By vishurricanes - 10/6/2009 03:34 - United States

52742

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Today, my financial situation is so dire that I tried to steal toilet paper from work. I got caught. FML

By PoorGal - 19/10/2015 18:04 - United States - New Orleans

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5741

Today, my stepdad punched me in the face after I told him I hated him. He and my mom came in 10 minutes later to try to convince me that I'd made it up in my head that he'd punched me. My face was still red. FML

By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 04:00

Jedi mind trick

2108

178

Today, my 4 year old asked to go outside and play in the sprinkler. I told him not right now because I was busy and he's too little to play outside by himself. I came out of the laundry room later to find he'd brought the sprinkler in the house and turned the water on. At least he listened. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2011 14:08 - United States

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Today, I was taking my dog on a walk when two younger looking boys rode their bikes up towards me. One said, "What about her?" The other boy said, "Nah, she's ugly." FML

By MCRxforever - 17/6/2010 22:56 - United States

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3619

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML

By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:46 - United States

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Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

By ValeyFallsAlot - 14/1/2011 14:18

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Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

By LGFLIPSTER - 31/8/2009 03:32 - Canada

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Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 12:47 - United States - Brockton

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Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

By girl_what - 2/9/2018 23:30

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190

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

By signupsheetfail - 12/8/2009 19:02 - Canada

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Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

By cass - 10/5/2016 18:37 - United States

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Today, my husband and I went to the store. Because we have no car, we had to walk four miles in the 115 fahrenheit weather. It didn't click until we were standing outside the door with a metric shit-tonne of ice-cream, that we'd have to tear ass back home to keep it all from melting. FML

By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 17:09 - United States

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Today, the owner of the house I'm renting said he doesn't want to pay $4000 to fumigate the home, and that he'll take care of the issue himself. I have killed 30 angry wasps in the last hour. There are thousands living in the walls, but I think their favorite place is my bathroom and my bed. FML

By wasp infestation - 3/10/2016 04:54 - United States - Aurora

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997

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 02:58 - United States

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Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

By anon - 11/11/2015 03:28 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML

By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 23:16 - United States

56783

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Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2019 18:00

1180

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Today, after a recent move into my new apartment, I woke up early to study for an upcoming exam. I hadn't left my bed yet or made a sound, when my neighbor texted me and asked why I was awake. No one in the building has my phone number. FML

By - 18/2/2017 06:00 - Australia - Frankston

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485

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

By GroosedOut - 20/8/2009 12:32 - United States

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