Holiday Travel

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

Mixed signals

Time for the ER

Billy no-mates

By Matthew - 4/7/2018 22:30

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Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shit myself. FML

By Mel - 7/5/2011 22:27 - United States

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Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

By notnerb - 19/5/2009 10:13 - New Zealand

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Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what posessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to dicuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML

By Anonymous - 14/6/2012 15:49 - United States

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Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

By Hungry - 3/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Cheat day

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Today, it was hot out, so I opted to stay cool and wear my bathing suit all day. My mom took it as me rubbing in the fact that I'm thinner than her and grounded me. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2011 20:21 - United States

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Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

By Lizzielollipop816 - 18/2/2010 06:38 - United States

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Today, my dad got me a GPS for my birthday. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't have a permit or a car. FML

By Anonymous - 7/10/2013 15:03 - United States - Houston

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Today, a person came into McDonald's, where I work. They ordered a happy meal. As they were an adult, I assumed the meal was for their child, who wasn't with them. When I asked if the toy was for a boy or a girl, they said the toy was for them. I still had to ask if it was for a boy or a girl. FML

By paris78 - 18/10/2009 00:04 - Canada

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Today, I was driving on roads that were bad from two days of snow. I spun my car out, and ended up half-way in a ditch. Thinking that I could push my car out of the snow, I got out of my car, landing in waist deep snow. When trying to get back in, I fell neck deep into snow. FML

By warningxxLidell - 9/1/2010 06:45 - United States

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Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

By unnamed - 26/7/2011 03:19 - United States

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Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 17:34

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Today, my brother broke his mountain bike, so he stole mine, and managed to break it as well. Then he made some kind of franken-bike out of parts from both, and messed that one up too. FML

By jfc, how just how - 19/5/2013 19:56 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

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Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

By Scholar - 16/6/2011 16:03 - United States

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Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 20:00

Responsibilities

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Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

By Thoughtless Wife - 18/6/2017 14:00

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Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

By anonymous - 12/10/2010 03:06 - France

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Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 15:17 - United Kingdom - Bristol

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Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

By bob - 11/8/2011 12:56 - United States

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Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

By boytoy - 2/9/2009 21:23 - Canada

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Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

By yayibs - 4/12/2015 03:21 - United States - Williamstown

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Today, I was alarmed to hear my daughter's boyfriend talk about dropping the kids off at the pool. She has no children. Turns out he was referring to himself taking a dump. FML

By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 08:02

Lingo

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Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML

By Water Daughter - 13/10/2013 05:51 - United States

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Today, I came into work feeling good about myself and my upcoming plans. I left before noon with a box of my belongings and uncertainty about my future, having been suddenly laid off. FML

By fallen - 15/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Merion Station

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Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

By nottananny - 21/7/2009 08:49 - United States

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Today, after months of planning, my boyfriend told me he's changed his mind and doesn’t want to move with me to where I got a job. Why? He doesn’t want to live that far away from his mother. FML

By Jojo - 8/5/2019 16:00

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Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

By Ian - 18/4/2009 14:24 - United States

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Today, I got into a bad car accident, where I got severe whiplash, swollen knees, and cuts everywhere. I called my boss to let him know I wouldn't be able to make it in and he fired me for being 'not dependable'. FML

By in pain - 15/3/2011 22:57

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Today, I found out why my doctor told me not to mix pain killers with alcohol when I was told that last night I tried to convince a group of teenage tourists that I was one of the nitwits from One Direction, and then got miffed when they laughed at me. FML

By JustSayNo - 11/8/2013 23:23 - United Kingdom - Guildford

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Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend at the mall at Victoria's Secret. We got separated, after which I saw 3 of my students. I teach middle school. FML

By Sam - 9/3/2019 14:00

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Today, I walked into work on time, went into my office, sat down and turned on the computer. After working for about 4 hours, my wife called and told me to look at the clock on my computer. I put it off until after lunch, when I realized today is Sunday. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 14:15

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Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

By Megara - 15/3/2011 05:58 - United States

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Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML

By earths_venus - 24/7/2010 07:44 - Australia

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Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

By nemo518 - 23/12/2010 06:36 - Canada

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Today, I had to attend an appointment and was told I should be prepared to be in hospital all day, so I booked a day off work. The appointment was trivial and lasted 10 minutes. I work paycheque to paycheque to feed myself and 2 kids, and even missing one day will hurt by the end of the month. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 14:11

Free healthcare for all

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Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

By NotAParabola - 7/10/2009 04:39 - United States

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Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML

By embarrassedmom - 18/5/2009 01:19 - United States

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Today, my dad and I had an argument. Then we went outside to shovel the snow out of the driveway. I heard him yelling and figured he was just yelling at me some more, so I turned my iPod up so I couldn't hear him anymore. Turns out he had fallen, cracked a rib, and needed help up. FML

By skinsfan7592 - 8/2/2010 15:19 - United States

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Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day 2 and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

By Fuckmylife - 19/12/2018 22:00 - Canada - Port Colborne

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