Holiday Travel

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

The smell detective is on the case

This Charming Man

Clocked

By cardsftw - United States - Compton

36073

8359

Today, I was substitute teaching a high school English class. A student discreetly told me that my zipper was open. I tried to zip up, but the zipper got caught on my underwear. When I bent down to pick up my pen, my pants split. Before I turn around, I heard the sound of phones taking pictures. FML

By Samantha35

2517

261

Today, my girlfriend sent a text asking if I think she’s pretty. I replied "Yes, of course!" She then got mad and blocked me. Turns out she'd said "petty". FML

By muscalata

3409

770

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

By captainlame - United States

33755

5276

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I got her pregnant and didn't own up to it. I wouldn't have blamed her if it didn't actually happen in her dream. FML

By Unculturedsimp

Baby daddy

1667

128

Today, I had a ride along in an ambulance. Being observant, I thought it was funny that a patient had to vomit. That was until I realized they couldn't control where they had to vomit. I spent the rest of the ambulance ride holding a vomit bag in front of the woman's face. Not so funny anymore. FML

By Kybo5 - United States - Elk Grove

7873

56043

Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML

By vanillapudding6 - Canada - Toronto

27081

1551

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

12786

43097

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

By wtfbabe

6583

538

Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML

By belladonna - United States

13188

79109

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

1709

108

Today, my sister told me about a website that explained why our stressed cat has been obsessively pulling out the fur on her legs. Interested, I asked for a link. Not just out of deep concern for the cat, but because I have the same problem. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Riverview

36791

5887

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

By awkward - United States

Dirty talk

57477

10408

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

By hey-ooo - United States

46716

2830

Today, I went to a party. After asking several people about the ingredients in a cake, I took one bite and ended up in the hospital with a severe reaction to the nuts that "definitely weren't" in it. FML

By unlucky - United Kingdom - Bristol

11392

907

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

By Boner Ben

2621

668

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

By PuppyPeeTimee. - United Kingdom

35574

3501

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

By toobroketoprotest

1688

106

Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded by filing a harassment complaint. Now, I can't speak to her at all without being written up. FML

By Lunar-Spice

1423

914

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Port Hardy

Hipster alert

29422

3221

Today, I got so anxious while trying to fight the ticket I got earlier this month that I passed out in front of the judge. FML

By so embarrassing - United States - Renton

13535

1494

Today, I turned around in my cubicle to see the entire marketing department (myself excluded) getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody mentioned it to me. FML

By Webmonkey - United States

23177

2023

Today, after getting out the car and closing the door, I began walking and slipped on some black ice. In the moment of panic, I grabbed onto my car wing mirror. Luckily, I didn't hit the deck. Unluckily, the wing mirror broke off. FML

By Iceicebaby - United Kingdom - London

5122

644

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

By grubbieduc - United States

27499

2767

Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML

By anonymous

9392

44243

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Pensacola

7335

32931

Today, I came home to carpenter ants coming out from under my baseboards. I went out and bought bait traps and now there are flying ants coming out of the woodwork. If I try to sleep they crawl on me. FML

By Aaaaahhhhhhhh

2737

151

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

By Anonymous - United States - Humble

27123

7511

Today, I was on a plane and a cute girl was getting ready to sit down beside me, but upon making eye contact, she asked to switch seats. FML

By PlaneGuy - Reunion - Saint-denis

6142

711

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

By lkvetched - United States - Palestine

12877

1023

Today, it's been two months since I started a three-year contract at a new job. So far, 5 people have resigned. Pretty sure I've joined a sinking ship. FML

By SinkingShip - South Africa

34724

3146

Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML

By Anonymous - United States

38309

3149

Today, at my job as a teacher, I saw a student cut another student's hair, I stopped a group of students from eating glue, and I had to tell a student to put away the toy cars he was playing with. I teach high school math. FML

By Courtney - United States

Kids…

17277

1246

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

865

386

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

By Tabby - United Kingdom

28496

3830

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

By bluewinter - United Kingdom

38044

9682

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

By UnluckyGroom - United States - East Wenatchee

8117

59482

Today, while at work, a rather large woman came in and ordered a cheeseburger. When asking if she would like to supersize it, she took her purse, smacked me, and told me she wasn't fat, and how rude I was for calling her supersized. I was just doing my job. FML

By Me - United States

45189

4703

Today, after I have spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confesses she's a mental patient who stole someone elses identity. She was telling the truth. FML

By IMayBeAFool - United States

43140

3786

Today, I texted my brother saying, "Always remember I love you! Never forget it!" to which he replied, "You better not be doing drugs." FML

By Lovelysister - United States

29940

9729