Halloween Scare

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter". I'm a guy. FML

Rock, hard place

Out of it

Great speech, thanks!

By CurtisWogan - United States - Albany

38866

13414

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

13851

40267

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

By webperson04 - United States

68297

3588

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

49629

6920

Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

By Anonymous - Canada

26110

10773

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

By Taylor - United States

29776

2132

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

By Anonymous

Can't win

2244

145

Today, I went out for drinks for the first since I stopped breastfeeding. I underestimated how low my tolerance had become and how strong the drinks were. My husband was stopped by two bouncers while trying to carry me to the car. They thought he'd drugged me. FML

By Sorry babe - 29/11/2020 08:02 - United States - Hesperia

Lightweight

814

193

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

By Dasani - United States

37377

8971

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

By halfie - United States - Pigeon Forge

10500

33217

Today, I spent 900 dollars on a ticket for my boyfriend to visit me and he missed the flight. FML

By Anonymous

4181

541

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

By dank meme - United States - Chicago

5306

3864

Today, the electrician came because our kitchen light has been flickering. After examining the installation, he screws the lightbulb tighter in the socket. My parents both are PhDs. FML

By PhDdaughter - Switzerland

30286

8047

Today, I told my mom I was going hiking with a couple of friends and wouldn't be back for 4 or more hours. Not even 2 hours later, she called the cops and reported us as missing. She didn't realize that we wouldn't have service up the canyon so we could call her back. FML

By use your brain mother - United States - Springville

29624

2345

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

By trying2breathe - United States

39241

2829

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

By davincourt - United States - Apollo Beach

30166

2981

Today, a customer complained about me for getting their order wrong. This would have been fine if they hadn't sent their ten-year-old kid to order for them. FML

By CaptainFluffyPaw - United States - San Francisco

26690

1852

Today, I signed for a delivery for my mom and something inside started to vibrate. I can't leave it because if she gets home and it's still vibrating she'll know I know what it is, but if I open it to turn it off, she'll know I've opened it and know what it is. Someone help me. FML

By Anonymous

3714

341

Today, I was in my car studying on the campus parking lot. It was cold outside so I had the windows up. I had a severe upset stomach and was privately drowning in my own flatulence. Moments later, my crush knocks on the window to ask me something. I had to roll the windows down. FML

By Anonymous - United States

33824

6835

Today, in a last ditch attempt to get away from my psycho coworker, I made my boss transfer me to another branch in the district. My coworker was immediately moved to that branch, because we "work well together". FML

By Godhelpme - United States - Houston

50188

4667

Today, my girlfriend got a Twitter account. Now she won't stop hashtagging everything she sends me. FML

By Stu - United States

23599

2753

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

By fuck off, eh! - Canada - Milton

47323

5080

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

By SilverAuthor - United States - Detroit

15257

2038

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile-high club. While I was on the plane. FML

By boardman - United States

Creeped out

69277

4940

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

By sippinsoup22 - United States - Houston

19676

2440

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

Handjob

2828

858

Today, I went to a club with a couple of my friends. I met a really cute guy and we were getting along pretty well. We eventually exchanged numbers. Later on I decided to call him and set up a date. The number he gave me was the Rejection Hotline number. FML

By jonas_93 - Canada

68935

9155

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

By hannahj88 - Australia

32207

3277

Today, being the new driver I am, I was trying to keep my speed at posted because I know that cops will target me. I ended up getting pulled over for my too-low speed and given a ticket because I was holding up a line of cars. FML

By Jack.mercado - United States

16548

12176

Today, I had to put my cat to sleep after she was in an accident. While I was crying hysterically, the vet asked me for $230. FML

By strangeprincess

RIP, Moggie

1747

270

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

By user210 - United States

34931

4056

Today, I wore my boyfriend's favorite shirt to surprise him and show him how sexy I look. He made me take it off and pay the bill for dry cleaner. FML

By Diet_Water - United States - Moreno Valley

22812

4661

Today, a police officer caught my girlfriend and me having sex. The officer was my dad, and we were butt naked in his new Ford Expedition. FML

By loveade11 - France

11678

35345

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

By ok then

9682

675

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

By Nick - United States

14373

146668

Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt - right by my left nipple. Absentmindedly, I licked my finger and tried rubbing the stain out. When I looked up, the Vice President was staring at me in disbelief. FML

By CMANIA - United States

39947

6603

Today, my unemployed boyfriend and I went to the casino. I gave him twenty dollars to play on. He won $1000 on a dollar machine then jackpotted the ten dollar machine for $20,000. When we got home he broke up with me. I have been working two jobs to get our own place. Move in Date?? 2 weeks. FML

By Anonymous - United States

49665

5119

Today, while riding my bike in the rain to a counselling appointment about my depression, my shoelace came untied and got caught around my pedal, causing me to go flying off my bike directly in a huge muddy puddle right in front of a busy street of people. No one offered to help me. FML

By anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

19021

1677

Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML

By undineA - Greece - Thessalon?ki

37985

4396

Today, my elderly mother explained that, "I don't need my glasses to drive, I just need them to see." FML

By scared - Canada

40002

3054