Getting Your Sh*t Together

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad. We went to the edge of a cliff to "relieve ourselves". He peed and it came and hit me in the face, he did it on purpose. So, I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

Tense

Buzzing the tower

Risky business

By Harry - 29/11/2009 22:53 - United States

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Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

By youjustsuck - 25/7/2011 18:07 - United States

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Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML

By baddormgirl - 19/2/2009 05:22 - United States

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Today, I was running late for work. My windshield had completely frozen over. I didn’t have anything to dissolve the ice..except some coffee I had made 30 minutes earlier. I decided to dump my coffee on my windshield. Instead of dissolving the ice, the creamer froze on entire windshield. FML

By sasha625 - 22/12/2018 14:00

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Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

By badbride - 26/7/2011 17:11 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML

By ScottyB - 22/12/2014 08:05 - United States - Peabody

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Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

By erpuchi - 1/12/2010 01:52 - Dominican Republic

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Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

By blink_kid - 10/8/2012 12:57 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

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Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML

By neverleavingthehouseagain - 8/12/2015 23:08 - United Kingdom - Epsom

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Today, after waiting 3 months to see if I got the job I had applied for, I was told that they never received my application. Turns out that the email address that they told me to send it to was not being checked anymore and that they would be happy to consider me for the following year. FML

By AgentKoos_99 - 11/10/2016 07:52 - South Africa - Johannesburg

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Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2017 20:00

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Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

By thatsmejl - 15/9/2011 13:47 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

By Saradee - 24/12/2012 04:55 - United States - Inglewood

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Today, I took my girlfriend of nearly 2 years out to dinner so I could propose. When the waiter brought the check, I caused a bit of a scene to get everyone's attention. When I got on my knee and proposed, she said no and asked if I could hurry up and pay, because she was embarrassed. FML

By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 20:26 - United States - Houston

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Today, my future father-in-law showed everyone a picture of his poop because it was "shaped like a banana." My fiancé's whole family thought it was funny and "looked more like a banana than last time." FML

By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 15:04 - United States - Houston

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Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML

By Kirta - 9/11/2009 15:18 - Canada

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Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 14:01

He's a very naughty boy

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Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

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Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML

By psychedout - 10/8/2009 22:48 - United States

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Today, I learned that just because you live on a different continent, it doesn't mean your mother won't come knocking when you are having sex. FML

By hi Mum - 11/12/2013 19:59 - United States - North Charleston

Oh, hai Mark!

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Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

By Potato_Lord - 12/11/2015 04:11 - United States - Madison

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Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML

By Bishop - 6/6/2012 14:19

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Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

By Sleepless - 3/2/2014 13:29 - Australia

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 05:04 - United States - Placentia

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Today, as I was driving, a bird swooped down, right in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to react, and so I had to listen to my wife cry the rest of the way home. She kept talking about how it bounced off the windshield and how it probably had a family. FML

By Wellthisishawkward - 14/8/2015 22:40 - United States

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Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2016 22:01

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Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

By whyme - 13/7/2011 05:40 - United States

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Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

By bullllllshittttt - 6/3/2011 07:25 - United States

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Today, my new anti-social cat started rubbing on my leg. I thought she must be warming up to me. Then, I looked at my leg and saw she smeared poo all over my work pants. FML

By Brinty - 13/3/2010 05:18 - Australia

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Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

By Olorin - 12/8/2010 23:21 - Germany

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Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

By unemployed - 18/10/2016 00:05 - United States - The Colony

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Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

By bodyelectric - 13/4/2009 12:07 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me I looked nice in my profile picture. I began to reply "Aww, thank you!" until he sent another message saying "Mostly because your face isn't in it." FML

By hayleediaz - 16/7/2015 17:03 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML

By chunkymonkey - 24/8/2012 13:53 - United States

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Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a member pic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. (she had asked me for it). She saw the pic, and blocked me. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 05:00

Nice pic

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Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 20:33 - United States

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Today, I arrived at work to find an email from the manager whom I had bought concert tickets from the night before. He said he had actually sold those tickets to someone else. He still expects to be paid. FML

By mcfaily - 27/2/2010 20:45 - Canada

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Today, I learned that when I leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them. FML

By Toothy - 2/4/2011 05:03 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook saying what a great girlfriend he had. Flattered, I commented on it, saying that I felt the same about him. Turns out he was talking about his other girlfriend. FML

By sushichick - 15/4/2020 12:00 - United States - San Jose

Two-stroke

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Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

By jarrettsorko - 23/8/2011 16:38 - Canada

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