Getting Your Sh*t Together

Today, my ex's mom got a job as our new soccer coach and recognized me from our New Year's party last year. She made me, and me alone, do 10 laps around the field in the rain for breaking her son's heart. FML

Family values

You can't win sometimes

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Amanda - 26/11/2013 20:00 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

By ldn - 21/3/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

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Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

By Courtney - 28/6/2011 02:10 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

By I guess not - 2/8/2016 13:24

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Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

By hailey - 10/12/2012 05:10 - United States - Bethesda

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Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

By riiiight - 29/1/2014 22:14 - United States - Warren

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Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

By damnit - 11/9/2010 20:46 - Canada

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Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

By Jims - 29/4/2011 14:00 - Singapore

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Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

By Just an Exam - 14/12/2016 18:37 - United States

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Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML

By lolwtfbbq444 - 15/1/2012 10:24 - Australia

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Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

By AnonymousAndSad - 24/4/2014 23:42 - United States - Waukon

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Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

By expassword - 17/12/2010 00:20 - United States

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Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

By Diachronic - 12/9/2014 08:05 - United States - Lewiston

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Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:08 - United States - Redding

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Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 02:45 - United States - Bethesda

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Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

By milly - 20/12/2011 10:43 - Norway

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Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

By peedonme - 22/2/2011 00:23 - New Zealand

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Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 00:00 - Canada - Coquitlam

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Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

By - 2/2/2020 18:00

Don't worry dad

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Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 06:21 - United States

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Today, my mother learned a new expression and uses it in every sentence. Her special, new expression is "boom diggity." It's apparently "hip." FML

By Birthday1313 - 15/7/2019 12:10

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Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 14:06 - United States

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Today, it's my wedding anniversary; my husband forgot. My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses and said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate. My daughter is more romantic and thoughtful than my own husband. FML

By igiveup - 21/12/2012 03:31 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML

By Anonymous - 13/8/2015 01:18 - United States - Kingman

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Today, while reading my girlfriend's kids a story, her daughter started pouring a tiny watering can on my head. When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Watering your head so your hair grows back". I'm twenty-seven. FML

By Anonymous - 7/7/2015 02:21 - United States

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Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

By antwhite1987 - 8/5/2016 17:30 - United States - Chicago

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Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

By Carpet cleaner - 21/2/2012 02:15 - Canada

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Today, I was in my bedroom with my boyfriend and we were kissing. My mom then came into my room and started shouting at my boyfriend for cheating on her. FML

By Rob - 7/11/2018 03:00

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Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

By tubedout - 23/7/2009 19:16 - United States

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Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2009 23:20 - Canada

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Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

By Bec - 25/7/2011 14:10 - Australia

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Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

By Yudith - 27/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

By Arthurie - 24/7/2012 23:44 - United States - Plainview

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Today, I thought it would be funny to smack my daughter's head gently with a balloon. It hit her hair clip and exploded. She won't stop crying, and my wife will be home any minute. I'm screwed. FML

By and not even in the good way - 30/3/2014 20:36 - United States

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Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

By poop - 3/4/2013 18:45

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Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

By Kristinmarsh08 - 29/10/2010 12:02 - United States

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Today, I replaced my bedsheets with new, clean ones. I went to the bathroom to wash up, and when I came back, my cat had peed exactly where my head would be. FML

By Zodiacfall - 27/10/2019 02:00

Precision strike

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Today, 3 of the 4 stalls were occupied in the rest room. I took the 4th stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I hear "Hey, how's it going?". I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML

By RckRagman - 30/4/2009 14:55 - United States

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Today, my roommate bitched me out over my "OCD" driving the water bill up. She takes hour-long showers, but apparently me flushing after peeing "wasteful" and a sign of a neurological disorder. FML

By she has dumbcuntitis - 3/6/2015 06:03 - United States - Hacienda Heights

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Today, I went on a first date, where my date managed to fall in a creek, take me to his house and measure my height, show me family pictures, and perform the Soulja Boy dance in his living room. All while wearing swim trunks because his pants were drying and he didn't have extras. FML

By gedderdunn - 24/5/2010 06:13 - Reserved

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