Crisis Averted

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

Oh, hai!

British Broadcasting Corporation

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 1/1/2010 00:06 - United States

29852

5761

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot." Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

By Kirby - 7/11/2011 04:50 - United States

29677

4382

Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. FML

By Gassy - 14/12/2009 22:24 - United States

28159

10788

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

By King.Dick. - 2/4/2015 14:21 - United States - Windsor Heights

30920

2956

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

By SheWentCrayola - 17/10/2009 02:04 - United States

38844

7557

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

29817

8216

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 06:49 - United States

26760

1791

Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

By newscomes - 14/10/2009 23:06 - United States

24500

3522

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

By mettaton - 17/1/2019 00:00

2184

300

Today, the girl I like sent me a Facebook message telling me how the message I left on her phone was one of the funniest drunk dials she's ever gotten. I'm debating whether or not I should tell her that I don't drink. FML

By 713 - 29/8/2010 01:36 - United States

32395

4161

Today, I was feeling sick so I decided to lay down. As soon as I did, I felt the sudden urge to throw up, so I ran to the bathroom. When I bent over the toilet to throw up, my glasses fell in along with my vomit. Before I had a chance to retrieve them, I threw up again. And again. FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 02:00

1771

116

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

By unemployed - 9/11/2018 15:30

2625

353

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

By myself - 30/1/2012 05:24 - Canada

39174

3922

Today, at the public pool, my boyfriend dived from one side to the other. I jumped in to reward him underwater, kissing him everywhere and grabbing his crotch, until I noticed his shorts were different. I surfaced to see that my boyfriend was still far away. FML

By wrongman - 14/2/2018 19:00

2544

7486

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 03:00

13475

1525

Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 08:40 - France

67218

3960

Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

By blow away - 28/7/2014 04:36 - United States - Middletown

43102

4524

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2012 02:52 - United States

26586

6853

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

By eewww - 6/5/2011 15:47 - United Kingdom

38672

3683

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

By stepsister - 10/6/2011 05:17 - United States

57339

4055

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

By yeasty - 6/7/2009 00:06 - United States

44934

4504

Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML

By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 17:30 - United States

31360

10282

Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML

By nurseITHINKNOT - 18/4/2011 19:24 - United States

47116

3853

Today, I accompanied my daughter to her classmate's Disney Princess themed birthday party. Minutes in, the celebrant's mother kindly asked us to leave because my daughter was ruining the theme. How? She dressed up as Princess Leia. FML

By Sith Dad - 5/9/2018 15:00

2804

317

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

By NevertheKool - 7/5/2015 21:43 - United States - Union City

18698

27887

Today, I was suspended for "selling drugs on campus". I was trying to give the school nurse approved medication for my severe epilepsy. I'm suspended for 3 weeks and have to go to a drug seminar. FML

By why - 20/1/2018 15:00

5249

271

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

By shawty - 22/8/2010 12:14 - Australia

51867

6399

Today, during dress rehearsal before the show, I came in with crutches pretending I broke my leg as a joke. I then threw away the crutches, laughed and then fell down some stairs. I am now in crutches with a broken leg. I was the lead. FML

By seussical65 - 14/4/2009 13:48 - United States

20696

93285

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

By Thomas - 21/12/2011 03:18 - United States

35447

2979

Today, my girlfriend and I were role playing when her mum walked past the slightly open door, saw me, and chased me out of the house for stealing her baby's innocence. I was only wearing a red speedo. FML

By yeah - 27/8/2010 23:16 - United Kingdom

14699

38708

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 21:19 - Canada - Dartmouth

43604

3463

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2009 14:23 - United States

49125

3174

Today, my laziness got so bad, I downloaded an app and spent 10 minutes configuring it to work with my TV and cable box, just so I wouldn't have to get up and grab the remote. FML

By Needlongerarms - 8/9/2016 12:56 - Israel - Tel Aviv

10831

5226

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years drunkenly introduced me to another very special lady. His wife. FML

By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 14:53 - United States - Conroe

39122

3726

Today, I went to the OBGYN for my annual, and noticed they now supplied babywipes. After 3 seconds of "cleaning", the intense burning started. Turns out they were antibacterial bleach wipes. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 03:09 - United States

11009

32228

Today, at work, I received an email telling me that viewing porn websites was prohibited and was a good enough reason to fire me. FML

By bipbip - 12/11/2008 07:53 - France

9302

68444

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 19:53 - United States

53210

4046

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

29873

4928

Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 17:34 - Nigeria - Lagos

47183

3275

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

By Ross R - 27/12/2012 08:52 - United States - Richland

38099

2375