Crisis Averted

Today, at work, I have discovered the wonderful feeling of having a paper cut, with metal, under your nail, on all your nails. FML

KoBabe

Boom, headshot

Gas giant

By Moon_Glade - 3/6/2017 16:00

3876

337

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

By owmyballs - 17/12/2009 16:34 - Thailand

9042

37140

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2018 18:36 - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

3209

687

Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML

By Jane - 24/11/2011 13:57 - Australia

40665

6178

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

By Username - 9/2/2011 03:27

36277

3089

Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML

By Anonymous - 28/5/2018 15:00

Understandable.

1495

3036

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

By Forgotten - 9/8/2010 14:38 - Canada

43134

28531

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

1468

130

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

By anon - 3/12/2013 04:26 - United States - Elkhart

47173

17495

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

By Scarlett - 26/4/2011 17:28 - United States

50434

6118

Today, I woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2011 21:47 - United States

40533

9382

Today, my grandma said, "I know you don't have any plans tonight. Do you want to go to bingo with me?" I said sure out of pity, and ended up being her designated driver after she got wasted later in the evening. FML

By my cheese grater + your dick - 17/1/2014 17:35 - Canada - Saskatoon

41993

5274

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

By xattackattackx - 18/11/2011 09:01 - United States

29795

2734

Today, I booked a long distance flight across two continents, costing me over 600 bucks. I then got a confirmation email. For a different flight. I wrote to their customer service address, saying there has been an error, and to please either change or cancel the booking. I never got any reply. At all. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 23:01

Fly me to the moon

1298

156

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

By Anon - 30/3/2012 05:10 - New Zealand

22325

5101

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 06:19 - United States - New Castle

20132

55444

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

By crub - 5/3/2009 15:10 - United States

61184

2308

Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2015 01:22 - United States

22798

14095

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 14:45 - United States

72057

7268

Today, as I was about to leave my house in my brand new heels, I stepped on a dead mouse. My heel went through it. FML

By juwkgo - 17/2/2010 15:05 - United States

33948

5566

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

By murphy - 2/2/2009 10:49 - United States

34323

4085

Today, while pooping at work, I was scrolling through social media. I dropped my phone in the toilet and the automatic flusher engaged, flushing my phone halfway into the pipes, which then flooded the toilet. I had to call maintenance and explain what happened to retrieve phone. FML

By Anonymous - 8/9/2018 09:00 - United States - Buffalo

1717

2094

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

By SingleSara. - 2/3/2010 06:07 - Canada

35897

3399

Today, I was kicked out of the mall along with a bunch of my friends, sworn at by the security guards, and personally escorted all the way to the sidewalk, only to find out we'd been mistaken for another group of people. FML

By -- - 15/10/2011 23:40 - Canada

32732

2559

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 19:13 - United States

28946

7577

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

By SwingingChili - 27/10/2015 05:49

23559

4620

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

By probablydeadbymidnight - 1/7/2012 22:57 - United States

23204

7746

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 11:53 - Australia

8864

36552

Today, I was conducting interviews and I could tell this particular candidate was really nervous, so I was extra nice. At the end, he was reluctant to shake my hand. On the way out I realised why: I had lost the top button on my low cut top, and he was nursing his appreciation of the view. FML

By pizzacat - 22/9/2010 08:49 - Australia

26489

8322

Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML

By nosleeptilpissoff - 18/3/2011 15:54 - United States

34307

6364

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

By Rob - 1/12/2009 06:57 - United States

38700

15367

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

By sad face - 24/11/2012 11:54 - Australia - Chatswood

25914

5268

Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 01:04 - United States

11590

23123

Today, after nearly a week of awful pain in my right lung, I finally went to see a doctor about it. When I mentioned my history of lung problems and suggested it could be pneumonia, he told me to "leave the diagnosing to the professionals" and ended up claiming I have acid reflux. FML

By fucking fuck it fucking hurts - 21/12/2012 22:41 - United States

28523

6156

Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML

By embarrassedmom - 18/5/2009 01:19 - United States

104101

25681

Today, my boyfriend couldn't go on a date with me because his mom said no. He's 23. FML

By Serire - 23/9/2014 00:23 - United States - Monroe

39127

5172

Today, after being worried for a week because my dog wasn't eating, I paid the vet $120 for her to tell me that my dog doesn't like her dog food. FML

By dsamanthas - 23/2/2014 08:10 - United States - Covina

40572

8288

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

By Charli - 13/8/2018 22:37

3567

295

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 17:12 - United States - California

55769

7921

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 17:32 - Japan - Yokohama

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