By FML Approved

Budget Spa

Who else is ready to take a personal day with this dog?

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BO Central

Trust

Music nerds of the world unite!

By Sloppy Cashmere - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11790

You deserved it

1402

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By Anonymous - United States

Dumpy baby

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1350

You deserved it

138

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By crossfitter

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25193

You deserved it

11448

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14680

You deserved it

1136

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 08:01

Miss me yet?

Today, after I kicked my boyfriend out, thinking the sudden separation would make him value our relationship more, I heard he's spent the last 3 weeks at his brother's constantly playing Xbox, hasn’t called me once, and now I’m hearing rumours he’s been taking other women home from sleazy bars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

585

You deserved it

2601

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By Ugly - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44053

You deserved it

3480

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 08:02 - United States - Gwynn Oak

Holiday cheer

Today, I’m convinced my mother in law comes over every holiday just to make me miserable. She comes in, criticizes me food, snarks then ignores the kids. I dread every holiday and spend it getting drunk and casting F-you glances at my husband. Is it wrong to buy her a casket for the next holiday? Is it really? FML

I agree, your life sucks

854

You deserved it

108

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By callen5 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23854

You deserved it

4172

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By Anonymous

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1280

You deserved it

397

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By Stewtato

Today, a bat flew into my house. We locked it in my brother's room, complete with cats, and just barely got it back outside alive. We later found out it was an endangered species, so we also narrowly avoided arrest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1323

You deserved it

454

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By Anonymous

But he's only 5

Today, I was playing with my 5 year-old neighbor. I was changing and he saw me naked. Then he went home and his parents came over. Apparently, he told them that I have beautiful boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1656

You deserved it

672

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By lovely321 - United States

Today, I was giving a strip tease over Skype to my boyfriend. My mom walked in mid-way through, took a long look at me, said hi to my boyfriend, and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18661

You deserved it

49919

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By Ido - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I announced my engagement on social media. I got more people telling me how stupid I was than any actually congratulating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12201

You deserved it

3082

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By mandybar15 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38097

You deserved it

6645

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By yummy - United States

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19506

You deserved it

83984

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By Mrs. Awkward

Today, I helped an older guy with his safe deposit box. He said it's perfect for holding his ex-wife's remains and laughed. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2550

You deserved it

268

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1774

You deserved it

141

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36329

You deserved it

6078

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By AreYouSerious - United States

Today, my husband and I decided to take a romantic trip to the beach. We got pulled over, and shortly thereafter he was arrested. Just so happens you can't miss child support payments for your twelve year old daughter without getting a warrant. He has a daughter? We've been married for 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69655

You deserved it

3637

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By English - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to the movies. She replies, "Sorry I have to do stuff with my parents" Her mum calls and by mistake my girlfriend pressed loud speaker, the first thing her mum said was "Be back at 11". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34028

You deserved it

2514

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2020 02:00

Getting the point across

Today, I was discharged from hospital and I took a cab home. The driver drove really fast and made sharp turns that made me feel nauseous. As I opened my mouth to tell him to slow down, I threw up all over the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1576

You deserved it

112

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By HR nightmare - United States - Glendale

Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11041

You deserved it

726

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By anonymous - 13/4/2020 02:00

Keep fit!

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1216

You deserved it

1304

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on an airplane that was experiencing some turbulence. Feeling anxious, I reached over and grabbed my husband's hand for comfort. He then said, "Why are you scared of dying? You're not even pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44852

You deserved it

4185

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By Anonymous - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I found dog poop in my room that had probably been there for days. My girlfriend, who was watching the house, said she didn't realize it was there, because she thought it was the smell of her own farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23592

You deserved it

2188

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By RhuLynette - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26579

You deserved it

2974

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By fuckstudentloans - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29226

You deserved it

13810

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Riga

Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41594

You deserved it

2679

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By Someone - Canada - Windsor

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38952

You deserved it

5789

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By baron - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

131316

You deserved it

7540

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By firedofbirthday - France

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26139

You deserved it

6895

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By Sarah91

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

I agree, your life sucks

115277

You deserved it

16551

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By Anonymous

Today, I found myself crying my eyes out over my two favourite fictional characters deaths. It happened over 6 years ago and has affected me more than real peoples deaths. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1630

You deserved it

905

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By why - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31629

You deserved it

6575

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30010

You deserved it

11281

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By Guilpie - Germany - Heidelberg

Today, I politely asked our overweight neighbour to park on her side of the garage. Three unsuccessful tries later, she drives out and parks on the street in a huff, and I'm now the world's biggest bastard because she can't legally park on her side and still open her door due to her size. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7317

You deserved it

711

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By pkz - France

Today, I found out that my husband of five years was living a double life. He and his mistress have two children together and a third one on the way. He told me the only reason he stayed with me was for my money. I make about 8 dollars an hour and work two jobs to make ends meet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50916

You deserved it

2880

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By axel519 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27943

You deserved it

3038

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By dreamer2639 - United States

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

I agree, your life sucks

15475

You deserved it

47853

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By TriedToHelp

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1843

You deserved it

473

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Top comments

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7556769 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 22:38

I see carrots. Is it a bath, or are they making a stew?

By Akitakat | 31

#7556992 - Thursday 26 October 2017 14:36

Ok... that is just too cute for words! :)

COMMENTS

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7556769 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 22:38

I see carrots. Is it a bath, or are they making a stew?

By Akitakat | 31

#7556992 - Thursday 26 October 2017 14:36

Ok... that is just too cute for words! :)