Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 21:47 - United States - Mclean

Today, I was at a bar with my friends when I left to use the bathroom. When I got there, the bathroom stall refused to lock, so I just held the door closed and hoped nobody would come in. As soon as I sat down, a drunk man pushed his way into the stall and threw up all over me. FML

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By Krycek - 23/01/2016 21:44 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it wouldn't be a good idea to move in with his soon to be ex-wife and the guy she cheated on him with. FML.

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By socially awkward - 23/01/2016 21:36 - United States - King George

Today, my social life is so pathetic that when someone texted me and asked to hang out, I automatically assumed they had contacted the wrong person. FML

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By father of the framed - 23/01/2016 21:25 - United States - New York

Today, after over a month of surveillance, I showed my sister a montage of her devilspawn deceitful 6 year old daughter on the act, regularly getting my 5 year old daughter blamed for. Her daughter denied the allegations and she believed her despite the hard evidences. FML

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By Benevolent Star - 23/01/2016 21:05 - United States - New York

Today, me and my boyfriend and housemate for 6 years finally decided to tie the knot and get married. My family on the other hand still addresses him as "the creepy guy that lives in my basement". FML

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By Miserable - 23/01/2016 20:58 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, I texted my boyfriend and said that I was feeling really awful and sick because I got my period. He responded by saying "pull out game strong." FML

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By melovekitkat - 23/01/2016 20:58 - United States - Westland

Today, I was at work during a really important meeting and I felt sick. I hoped it would be over soon but it took another hour. After it was over I threw up in my coworkers bag. I am now suspended form work for a week. FML

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By deprived - 23/01/2016 20:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he would come over to my place. I suggested that maybe we go to his since I have roommates and its difficult to be alone and intimate. His response was "I know." FML

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By ~Fluid~ - 23/01/2016 20:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I missed my Subject SAT because a huge blizzard hit my town and I couldn't leave the house. After hoping that I would get another date to take the test, I got an email saying "Thanks For Taking The Subject SAT". I can't believe I wasted so many weeks on studying just to get this shit. FML.

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By anonymous - 23/01/2016 20:41

Today, my brother and I have been waiting for a kidney donation for a year. After finally getting a call with a kidney, my brother said " Rock , paper , scissors ?" My conditions are way worse than his. Guess who won... FML

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By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 20:21 - United States - Naperville

Today, there was a gun threat at my school. It turned out to be a joke but the school said if we felt unsafe we could go home. My dad called the school and told them to send me and my brother home because "If you got shot, your mom would kill me" FML

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By TheAndrewFactor - 23/01/2016 20:19 - United States - Holden

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for drinking her fruit punch that she drank whilst sleep walking last night. FML

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By Grandfather at 38 - 23/01/2016 20:17 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I learned that my 17 year old daughter became pregnant from her 16 year old boyfriend, and not 2 hours after having a talk with her about waiting until marriage... FML

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By hopeless - 23/01/2016 20:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was pretty sick and I had diarrhea, but I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. I ended up shitting my pants in the car and took an the nearest exit that lead me to a subway. I wobbled out of the car to the bathroom inside and tried to wash off my ass in the sink. FML

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By Grumpaloogang - 23/01/2016 19:56 - United States - Frisco

Today, I woke up from a terrible dream. In the dream my boyfriend ditched me to go hang out with his friends. Guess what he's doing today? FML.

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By anon - 23/01/2016 19:44 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I woke up and my closet light was on, I live alone and then light is a motion sensor. FML

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By SammySprinklers - 23/01/2016 19:43 - United States - Irving

Today, my ex girlfriend posted she is "experiencing more heartache from a restaurant closing than an actual breakup." I was that breakup. I meant less than a tex-mex restaurant.

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By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 19:38 - United States - Lansdale

Today, in the winter storm, my brand new snowblower decided to stop working after 5 minutes. FML.

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By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 19:36 - United States

I told Mom I was pregnant and she asked "what are you going to do with it?" and said she'd pray for me, and was disappointed. I'm 25 and in a stable relationship and living together. This is my first child and her 3rd grandchild.

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By Ginger_Love - 23/01/2016 19:19 - United States - Mount Washington

Today, while I was sleeping, my (ex) boyfriend punched me in the crotch because his friends told him it didn't hurt girls. It does. I'm bruised. FML

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By coworker - 23/01/2016 19:16 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today my coworkers were preparing for the winter storm and started talking about what to do for fun. I suggested Netflix and Chill with everyone giving me a weird look. I later found out that "chill" isn't really what I thought it meant. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 19:13 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me he was coming to town for a visit, so I have been trying to complete a week's worth of work, so I can engage in uninterrupted sexy time with him. Too bad the sexual fantasies are keeping me from even starting he simplest of tasks. FML

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By oh brother - 23/01/2016 19:01 - Canada - Welland

Today, I decided to go over to my girlfriends place and surprise her with breakfast in bed on her day off from work, not only did she have breakfast in her bed, she also had my brother. FML.

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By nope_lol - 23/01/2016 19:00 - United States - Baytown

Today, my grandfather walked in on me masturbating. To BDSM lesbian porn. My volume was up. He's a preacher. FML

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By charizard_2016 - 23/01/2016 18:52 - United States - Holland

Today, I went to go check out a car for sale that I was seriously interested in buying. I called the guy to see if it was still for sale. Turns out, it got into a crash yesterday and no longer runs. FML.

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By hasaben - 23/01/2016 18:26 - Belgium - Oudenburg

Today, I found out my boyfriend had two other girlfriends. Those girls told me and he denies everything. Even when they showed me nudes of him that I had too, he said it wasn't him. FML.

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By hurthousewife - 23/01/2016 18:23 - United States - Wright City

Yesterday, my husband of five years informed me that he's getting his own place. He still loves me and wants to stay married, but doesn't want to live together anymore. FML

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By srhearrell - 23/01/2016 18:20 - United States - Bellbrook

Today, I went for an interview at a company I really want to work for. Everything was going great, until I went to stand up for a handshake. At that point, my bowels decided to void themselves of everything I'd eaten since last Tuesday. The interviewer definitely noticed my new, brown pants. FML

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By taylovezadtr - 23/01/2016 17:59 - United States - Levittown

Today, I was supposed to meet my father to go to a hockey game. Once I got there i found out the seats were for the wrong date and he paid 300 dollars for an airfare ticket. Instead of staying to get lunch or do something else he called me worthless and bought a ticket home. Thanks father. FML

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By freyday - 23/01/2016 17:49 - United States - Post Falls

Today, my friends and I decided to have a good night and get high. After freaking out and constant reassurance that my friends mom was in bed and wouldn't find us, I finally let go and got high. She could smell the weed upstairs and knew what we were doing instantly. FML.

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The Top

Today, an ambulance took away the woman from next door. I thought that the flat was empty since I’d never seen her, but turns out she’d been dead for 2 years. She died in bed, meaning every time I went to sleep in my bed she was only 2 feet away on the other side of the wall. I’m now super creeped out. FML

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Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

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Today, I found an old toy that I gave to my daughter several years ago. It was still unopened, and long forgotten, so I decided to re-gift it to one of my friend's children. My daughter immediately remembered her "favorite" toy and started crying inconsolably. FML

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Today, I have such chronic back pain that I can usually never get comfortable, but I found the perfect position to lie in bed, and was nearly 100% pain free. I felt so good. Someone knocked on the door, so I had to answer it. They'd got the wrong house number. I couldn’t find that perfect position again. FML

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Today, at the beach, my son was screaming and crying because the sand was burning his feet. I told him to put on his sandals. He got mad and threw them in the ocean, then started crying harder when he realized they were gone. He's now hiding under the bed in the condo and is refusing to come out. FML

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Today, my ex asked me if he could live with me so he wouldn't be homeless. He also asked if he could introduce me to his new girlfriend so they wouldn't have "trust issues." This coming from the same guy living with grandma and mom, who has no job, no car, and basically dumped me for her. Like, sure buddy I'll get right on making her feel comfortable. FML

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