Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

by goldenshower / 02/05/2010 at 1:22pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML

by donkeyd / 02/05/2010 at 11:29am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML

by fububc / 02/05/2010 at 10:14am / Miscellaneous

Today, I laughed so hard my milk went out my nose in front of the boy I liked. Then, since I was laughing so hard about that, I accidentally farted. FML

by hisgirl4life / 02/05/2010 at 8:44am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made out with my friend for the first time. He gave me a hickey that can't be hidden. I'm the president of my church youth group and I have to help give a seminar on keeping your body like a holy temple... Tomorrow. FML

by hickey / 02/05/2010 at 5:35am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2010 at 3:23am / Work

Today, my mother and I were driving through Del Taco. Instead of ordering "Macho Diet Coke", she said "Macho Diet Cock". After correcting herself and pulling up to the window, the employee who goes to my high school gave her the drink and his phone number. FML

by MachoFluster / 02/05/2010 at 2:52am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

by Holly / 02/05/2010 at 2:33am / United States / Health

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2010 at 1:25am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I grounded my son for being a smart ass. Now he can't go to the cub scout campout this weekend. He's been howling, sobbing, stomping, slamming and screaming for about three continuous hours. I am not sure who this punishment has inflicted more suffering on: my son or me. FML

by Mom / 02/05/2010 at 1:20am / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2010 at 1:18am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

by boostedsaab / 02/05/2010 at 12:35am / Love

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

by eemp / 02/05/2010 at 12:01am / Miscellaneous