Single
Today, whilst driving past a cyclist, I thought it would be funny to make him jump by blasting my horn right behind him and then driving off. I guess he thought it would be funny to catch up with me, yank off my wing-mirror, and hurl it through the open window at my face. FML
Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML
Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML
Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML
Today, I ran the mile in gym class. I was the second to last person to finish, and I was left panting and feeling faint. When the teacher found out I hadn't come in dead last, he accused me of skipping a lap and is now making me rerun the entire thing. FML
Today, I woke up early, went to the gym, then came home and showered. When I went into my room to change, my mom woke up and started pounding on my door, screaming about how lazy and useless I was for sleeping so late. When I tried to tell her otherwise, she grounded me for "talking back". FML
Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML
Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML
Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment for the first time, only to see another girl walking out. I accused her of cheating with him and we got into a fight. Turns out I was at the wrong apartment. He lives next door. FML
Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML
Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML
Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML
Today, after being stood up at a diner, I called the girl who was supposed to have met me. Turns out, she thought I was kidding when I asked her out. FML
Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML
Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML
Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML
Today, I was playing soccer when a player kicked the ball at my crotch. In pain, I kneeled down. The referee came up to me and whispered, "The smaller they are, the more it hurts." FML
Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML
Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML
Today, I took a girl on a date. Her and her imaginary friends. FML
Today, my coworker asked me if I was on a diet for my New Year's resolution. When I said no, she replied, "Why not?" FML
Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML
Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML
Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML
Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about four minutes. Then she said, "Can I have my hand back?" FML
Today, I had to sit here for 8 hours copying and pasting thousands of product codes on a frigging spreadsheet. My job title is not data entry, I'm a graphic designer. FML
Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML
Today, I downloaded the 'Dark was the Night' compilation made for charity. I have no soul. FML
Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML
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