Miss 29 years-old Single
Today, my 7 year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of a supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML
Today, I noticed that even though I got all my Christmas shopping done a month earlier than usual, I forgot to put anything in the mail. FML
Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss's new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off." She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML
Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML
Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML
Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML
Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML
Today, I asked my grandpa why he spoils me so much. He told me it's because he truly believes no one else will ever want to. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML
Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML
Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML
Today, after doing tons of research on a wand my little brother wanted for Christmas, I finally found one on eBay for $60. After already giving my credit card info and confirming the purchase, my dad called me and told me he found the exact same one for six bucks at a local toy store. FML
Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML
Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML
Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML
Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML
Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring because he was so good looking. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML
Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML
Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML
Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML
Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML
Today, I set a trap to catch a mouse that ran across my foot. Not only did the trap shut on my finger twice, but I watched the mouse run over the trap without it snapping shut. I guess I have a new roommate. FML
Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML
Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML
Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML
Today, my parents threw a hissy fit calling me ungrateful and disrespectful for wanting to do laundry and clean at home, instead of going out to their friends' house for dinner. They also disconnected the Internet to punish me when they left. I'm 20 and visiting home on a college break. FML
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