Today, a bat flew into my house. We locked it in my brother's room, complete with cats, and just barely got it back outside alive. We later found out it was an endangered species, so we also narrowly avoided arrest. FML
Today, I figured out that the roommate who I let move in with me on Sunday is probably a prostitute. I’m a lawyer. FML
Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML
Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML
Today, I came home after a long day at work to find the furniture in my living room had been rearranged by my mother-in-law. When asked how she got in, she told us she stole my husband's key and made herself a copy. She can now come here whenever she wants, unless I change the locks. FML
Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML
Today, for the third time this month, my family ridiculed me for being picky for ordering a burger without lettuce. They know I'm allergic. FML
Today, my father calculated that the only way we can afford to keep the house was if I get pregnant and claim child benefits. My family now won't speak to me because I refuse to do it. I'm 15 years old. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I've been "spending too much time at the bar." I've been sober for 2 years. FML
Today, I couldn't convince my grandmother that no matter how much she called AT&T, they will not come and fix her dead computer. FML
Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML
Today, I went on a 50 km bike ride with a friend. We stopped for a break halfway through, and locked our bikes up. When we returned, some guy had locked his bike to mine. We had to wait an hour for him to return. FML
Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML
Today, I learned that my 29-year-old boyfriend won't stay the night at my house because he lives at home with his parents and doesn't want to have "the discussion" with his mom about me. FML
Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML
Today, I got to wake up to a text from my boyfriend that said, "U got competition." FML
Today, I learned just how bad jellyfish stings hurt. Multiple times. On my testicles. FML
Today, I learned that my wife had been cheating on me. What's worse? My kids found out three months before I did, and told me that they like him better than me. FML
Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML
Today, on our way home, my cousin, step dad and I noticed a man trying to kidnap a young girl. As good citizens, we called the police so they could catch the man. Nine police cars showed up at my house because dispatch told them we were the kidnappers. FML
Today, my mother learned a new expression and uses it in every sentence. Her special, new expression is "boom diggity." It's apparently "hip." FML
Today, I realised the recruiter for the Navy lied to me. This shit ain't fun. FML
Today, as revenge for a prank I played on him last week, my brother took things way too far and loaded my milkshake with so many chocolate laxatives, I’m now in hospital. I’ve had so much diarrhoea in the past few hours, I’m dangerously dehydrated and had to be put on a saline drip. FML
Today, after months of my best friend telling me we were going to be roommates and moving to a new city together, with me trusting her, she ditched me because “everyone” told her not to live with me. She’s still moving, and we’re going to be in the same school and class. FML
Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. FML
Today, my brother asked if I could babysit his kids tomorrow. I declined, as tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans. This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday, and I doubt it'll be the last. FML
Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML
Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML
Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML
Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML
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