asmiine

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML

Today, I got a nose piercing. I was asleep at the time in my backyard, and the piercer was a snake. FML

Today, I realised that my boyfriend gets a boner every time I cry. FML

Today, my boyfriend didn't break up with me, but his mom did. FML

Creepy

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

Sorry sweetie

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML

Customer service

Today, I had to serve an incredibly rude and irrationally angry customer, but I managed to keep my cool. When he finally went to leave with his purchase, I wished him a good day. He whirled around and yelled, "I'll have whatever the fuck kind of day I want, bitch!" FML

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

Terrified

Today, I told my nephew to be careful when crossing the street in front of a bus because it might eat him. We then watched as a bus slowed down and stopped in front of a group of people. When the bus moved away, all the people were gone. My nephew is terrified, and won't stop crying. FML

Today, I put one of those checkout dividers in front of my groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket. The guy standing in front of me turned around, looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't trust you." as he put a second divider between our groceries. FML