Miss Algonac, United States 30 years-old Single
Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML
Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML
Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML
Today, I stretched really hard when I woke up, only to feel something twang. This was followed by a really sharp pain. Thinking I'd given myself a hernia, I got up to check myself in the mirror, and was repulsed by the bulge I saw hanging out of my gut. Then I realised it was just my own flab. FML
Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML
Today, I was awakened by the sound of chain-saws. Moments later a tree branch came through my roof. FML
Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML
Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML
Today, I got my renewed driver's license. It clearly indicates 'Sex: F'. My beard and penis beg to differ. FML
Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML
Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML
Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my fifth birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML
Today, I was getting changed in front of my roommate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said, "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML
Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML
Today, I decided I would finally get up and weed our front yard. After a long couple of hours, I was hot and sweaty and decided to jump in the pool, with all my clothes on, just for fun. Right as I was in the air doing a cannon ball, my BlackBerry started to ring from my pocket... FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML
Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year-old daughter washes her hair every day. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy hair like her mommy." FML
Today, I ran into my parents' bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door, my parents were on top of each other, laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML
Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt - right by my left nipple. Absentmindedly, I licked my finger and tried rubbing the stain out. When I looked up, the Vice President was staring at me in disbelief. FML
Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML
Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML
Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML
Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to "ruin my innocence." FML
Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML
Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML
Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML
Today, my grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML
Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML
Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
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