Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML
Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML
Today, my mom and I staged an intervention for my alcoholic dad. Within minutes he'd turned everything around on us, claiming we're in no position to judge him for drinking since we use "too much water" when we shower. Apparently that's on the same level as being an abusive alcoholic. FML
Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML
Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML
Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying, "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML
Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML
Today, I had to politely nod and say, "Ah, OK…" as my grandpa told me that he's not racist; he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women. He's well aware that my boyfriend is black. FML
Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML
Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML
Today, I walked in on my son flopping around on the floor with a blanket wrapped around his legs. Apparently at age 22, he'd rather pretend to be a mermaid than go out and get a damn job. FML
Today, thanks to puberty, I have an acne rash around my mouth. Rumors are already flying around school saying I have herpes. FML
Today, three weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML
Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML
Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML
Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote "You no nothing John Snow." It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML
Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML
Today, I fell off the top of my bunk bed in my sleep onto a running fan. FML
Today, I went into labor. I called my mother to ask her to drive me to the hospital. She wanted me to wait for her to take a nap first. FML
Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML
Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML
Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML
Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML
Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OB-GYN's office. FML
Today, I have a Bachelors of Science at a top university and got denied by Chipotle for a part-time job. FML
Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML
Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML
Today, after a very harsh argument from my mother about her not seeing her grandchild enough, I decided to vent out my rage in a text to my friend. It wasn't until after I sent the message, that yes, I sent that message to my mom FML
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