Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML
Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML
Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML
Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML
Today, my estranged mother texted me saying, "Gran died, LOL." My grandmother and I were fairly close, so I was shocked and disgusted. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she knew what "LOL" meant. She did. FML
Today, I received another death threat for teaching evolution in college. I'm a geology teacher. FML
Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML
Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML
Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML
Today, after giving my husband a new video game that he's been wanting, along with homemade waffles and a surprise blowjob, he gave me my gift: two packets of ramen noodles, and toilet paper. FML
Today, a girl mistook me for her boyfriend and broke up with me because I'm "a liar and a cheating bastard." I've never seen her in my life, but I'm so lonely that I tried to convince her to give me another chance and stay with me. FML
Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years-old, with no wife or children. FML
Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML
Today, I learned that my big, tough, strong dog is terrified of spiders when he jumped, knocked over a table, and then peed on the spider to drown it. FML
Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend a cute picture that I drew for him, with a little note saying "love you." He replied by sending me a picture of a nose hair he'd plucked, along with the caption, "longest one yet." FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML
Today, I came home to find my fiancé trying to do laundry. His version was "rubbing the smelly spots with baby powder". Looks like I'll be the only one doing laundry for the rest of our lives. FML
Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for a girl I know. She was the girl my last boyfriend left me for. FML
Today, I'm 5 months pregnant. My 20-year-old boyfriend still refuses to tell his parents because he thinks he'll get in trouble. He thinks we can get away with "never telling them and just hiding the kid." FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not." FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being a feeder, saying that's why she's been putting on so much weight. When I said it might be because she eats at McDonald's everyday, and that I was willing to start cooking low-calorie foods for us, she hit me. Then she went to McDonald's. FML
Today, my husband was arrested for having sex in public. FML
Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML
Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML
Today, at college, I finally talked myself into confessing my feelings to a girl I really like. Her response was to threaten to sue me. For what, exactly? I have no goddamned idea. I just don't understand people anymore. FML
Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML
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