blaisebiaggi

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

Stacy's mom…

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

Not now, Cooper

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

What a dick

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML

Hot boy summer

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

TMI

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

Today, I spent five dollars on a virtual cat. FML

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML

Decisions, decisions

Today, my 27 year-old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML