thatretard95

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About Thatretard95

im retarded dumbass.

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Consolation prize

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50 favorites

Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already added 50 FMLs to your favourites list!

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You have left your thumbprint on 2500 comments.

The return of the thumb

You have thumbed 5000 comments.

Keen reader – Level: student ninja

You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Keen reader – Level: master ninja

You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Keen reader – Level: godlike ninja

You have voted for 100% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

One more and it's business time

You've received 68 Hugs on your profile. Kinky.

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Thatretard95's favorite FMLs

By VelocityMary - 30/07/2009 15:52 - United States

Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 379

You deserved it 6 893

PARTAY!

By Life of the party - 19/08/2009 05:13 - France

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 883

You deserved it 55 900

The truth

By catguy - 19/08/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 664

You deserved it 3 800

By Dude - 19/08/2009 10:32 - United States

Today, at WalMart, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide and seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As I was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 683

You deserved it 5 044

By Anonymous - 19/08/2009 12:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I wouldn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 035

You deserved it 8 997

RAWK N ROLL!!!

By stagedivefail - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 923

You deserved it 60 167

By MariadelMar - 19/08/2009 15:03 - United States

Today, I flew 8 hours to visit my boyfriend. When I arrived at the airport, and he started taking long to show up, I checked my email to see the info. I hit the junk mail by accident and found his last 10 emails in there. He had broken up with me a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 684

You deserved it 16 306

Awareness

By crazychick - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 660

You deserved it 5 231

By Anonymous - 19/08/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, I thought I saw a snake while I was watering. I got my son to check it out and he agreed too. I was nervous so I called animal control, and they said it would cost $50 just for them to come out, I agreed. It ends up I paid $50 for them to pick up an old diamond weave farmer's hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 559

You deserved it 42 851

The only true love

By burned_away - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "See you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 279

You deserved it 4 954

Nice meeting you

By LifeFucksUsAll - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was on a date with a guy, we were sitting in a restaurant having a fairly good conversation, when I had to go to the washroom. I left the table and when I came back, he was gone. Along with my wallet and car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 579

You deserved it 13 321

Hey big spender

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my "best friend" invited me to drink with her and a couple other friends. She told me to "just bring a few bucks for beer". When I got there, no one else had brought money, including her. They only invited me because I'm the only one with a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 138

You deserved it 4 368

By flaps - 19/08/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 716

You deserved it 95 496

By Anonymous - 19/08/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend had said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth, and laughed before she passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 171

You deserved it 4 719

By kneesarethenewdesk - 19/08/2009 22:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 392

You deserved it 7 703

By Rainbow92 - 19/08/2009 23:43 - Bulgaria

Today, I decided I need help, so I confessed to my mother that I'm bulimic. After she looked it up online she started screaming at me for "Wasting food that I'm not paying for." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 064

You deserved it 11 453

The Office

By SweetFA - 20/08/2009 00:01 - Canada

Today, I brought my little sons into work with me. I introduced them to my boss, who said to my shy kids, "You boys don't know me, do you? I'm Janice." The older one lit up and said, "Oh, I know you, mommy complains about you all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 580

You deserved it 17 186

Life on Nightmare mode

By shitforchris - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 309

You deserved it 12 138

By anonymous - 20/08/2009 06:22 - United States

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 528

You deserved it 49 991

By NoseInPain - 20/08/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 501

You deserved it 3 986